Competition can be Murder
by Mister Cynical
Summary: Whoever said war was hell, has never seen the competition in the video game industries. In a strange twist of fate Shinji Ikari has found himself at the center of the madness. Now he must carry out his job as Sony's top 'intercompany relations' specialist
1. Chapter 1: That’s Mister Nutcase to you

Legal Disclaimer. I don't own anything. Well the SCS-45L was my idea, but I don't have the funds to build it.

Personal Disclaimer: This story was written as a method of procrastination. I'm doing it instead of my homework. Expect something weirder then you've ever ready before. This will definitely be OCC. There will also be some confusion I will clear up. This takes place in a world with no Eva movies. It starts right after Shinji has graduated from college.

Premise: Video games are a multi-billion dollar industry. Do you really think the competition is friendly? I sure as hell don't! Yet you never hear about any fighting between companies, good spin control obviously. I'm babbling. Can you tell? Just wait till you see how NERV becomes involved in this. Can this really be considered a premise? It's just me jabbering on.

Key: (my first one ever! I'm just so damned proud)

"Speech" Speech

'Thought' Thought

**HUD HUD (see author's notes if you want to try and figure an explanation out)**

Competition can be Murder

Chapter One: That's Mister Nutcase to you!

"Welcome to Sony Mister Ikari." Shinji Ikari quickly stood and shook the man's outstretched hand.

"Thank you."

"I'm George Black. It's nice to meet you."

"Its nice to meet you too sir," Shinji said. George sat down behind his desk and Shinji did the same.

"I've been going over your resume," George said. "You seem like a highly qualified individual. The courses you took in college have given you the background that we like to see in our employees."

"Thank you Mister Black," Shinji said.

"Just George," George corrected. "I'm sorry to say that the position you were putting in for has already been taken."

"I see," Shinji said. He stood up. "Well thank you for taking the time to meet with me Mister. . .George."

"Calm down young man," George said. "If we weren't interested in you; than, we wouldn't have asked you to come in."

"What do you mean?" Shinji asked.

"Well," George began, "I mean we would hate to loose someone with your qualifications to the competition. We would like to offer you a job in a different department. You could work for us there until the position you applied for becomes available again."

"What do you mean by a different department?" Shinji asked.

"Well it will be only temporary," George said. "You won't be there for more then two years." Shinji was beginning to have a bad feeling about this.

"What kind of work will it be?" Shinji asked.

"The work will be difficult, unpleasant, and very secretive," George said. "Not many people last very long. Most just can't take it and end up resigning. For that department we understand. Those who do resign get a nice severance package and go on their way with no questions asked."

"What kind of work is it?" Shinji asked. George grinned slightly.

"I can't tell you that," he said. "You won't be allowed to know anything until you are under contract."

"So I just have to make a blind deal," Shinji said.

"Yes," George said. Shinji stared at the man.

"Two years."

"That's at the most," George said.

"I'll take it," Shinji said. George's grin widened slightly.

"Excellent Mister Ikari," he said. "Welcome to the Sony Enforcement Division."

(:Six Years Later:)

"Shinji!" Shinji snorted and wished painful death on whoever was trying to wake him. "Shinji let me in!" Shinji raised his head from his desk and watched as two messages scrolled across his vision on his HUD screens. **S. Ikari was disconnected from the server.** Followed by: **S. Ikari has rejoined the server. Operating system: S. Ikari Version 3.5.**

"Who the fuck is it?" Shinji demanded.

"It's Mitch!" Shinji yawned widely and watched the messages scrolling across his vision.

**Primary Weapon: SCS-45L w/ LAM**

**Ammo Remaining: 10 / 550**

**Secondary Weapon: combat knife**

**Grenades: n/a**

**Health: 100**

**Armor: n/a**

**Bank Balance: -$1,600.00**

Shinji froze. 'Sixteen hundred in the hole? What the fuck did I do last night?' Shinji stood and moved to the door. He unlocked it and stepped aside as Mitch Clayton walked into his office. "Whatsa matta Mitch?" Shinji slurred tiredly. "I have a hangover so talk fast or I will shoot you."

"You have a meeting in one hour," Mitch said. "You look like hell. What did you do last night?"

"Dunno," Shinji said. "Whatever it was put me sixteen hundred in the red." Mitch whistled.

"Must've had a good time."

"Probably," Shinji said. A memory flashed in his mind. "Damn it! It was that little fucking Canadian midget son of a bitch!"

"Huh?" Mitch asked.

"Nothing," Shinji said. 'I gotta stop drinking around that little bastard.' He looked around and sat down behind his desk. "Who am I meeting with now?"

"The bosses," his fellow SED officer said with a grin. "I hear the bastards at Microsoft are working on something new for the X Box X."

"You coming along?"

"Nah," Mitch said. "They're sending me after some Nintendo lab. At least its because of a console." Shinji nodded. Nintendo had more or less given up on console market domination, but they were absolutely rabid when it came to their precious handhelds.

"How long did you say I had?" Shinji asked.

"An hour," Mitch said.

"Wasn't day light savings yesterday?" Shinji asked. Mitch frowned and glanced at his watch. He twisted a dial.

"You're two minutes late."

"God damn it!"

(:ii:)

"Mister Black?" Shinji pushed the door open and stepped into the large room. It was utterly empty. Shinji immediately slipped into his paranoid mode. His hand grasped the grip of his pistol and he slowly slid the massive weapon from its holster. "Where are you, ya senile old bastard?" Something cold and hard pressed up against the back of his skull.

"That's me twenty-eight and you zero." Shinji's eyebrow twitched. The only thing keeping him from pistol whipping the old man was the memory of the tazer George kept hidden up his sleeve. Shinji managed to put his weapon away and turned. "Good to see you Shinji."

"You too sir," Shinji said as he watched the old man walk to his desk and tuck his pistol into one of the drawers. "So what did you need me for?"

"Hit and run precision strike," George said as he sat down. "There's a Microsoft R&D lab in Chicago. Spin control's really busy so we can't just hit it was a ballistic missile."

"Me. . .a ballistic missile, what's the difference?" Shinji asked.

"You tend to leave buildings largely intact," George said. "For the most part anyway. Have fun Shinji."

"Yes sir!" Shinji turned and tried very hard not to float out of the office. He did so love destroying Microsoft property. The colors of the flames were so pretty.

(:ii:)

"We're here Mister Ikari." Shinji jerked awake and looked around. The normal messages scrawling across his HUD.

"Wha. . ."

"We're here," the young woman repeated.

"Oh." Shinji stepped out of the car and watched as the car's suspension bounced wildly without his weight. He scratched his chin and looked around.

**Primary Weapon: SCS-270 BSU**

**Ammo Remaining: 40/480 6/36**

**Secondary Weapon: SCS-45L SD w/ Masterkey**

**Grenades: 8**

**Health: 100**

**Armor: 100**

**Bank Balance: -$1,600.00**

Shinji shifted his grip on his assault rifle and stared at the massive building in front of him. It looked like a warehouse. Shinji stopped and watched as the objectives goals scrolled across his HUD.

**Objectives**

**-Primary:**

**1. Destroy all traces of the microprocessor.**

**-Secondary:**

**1. Eliminate all enemy personnel.**

**2. Destroy all lab equipment.**

Shinji smiled happily. The goals were just how he liked them. Vague. The ends always justified the means after all. He would even get a bonus if he finished all his objectives. He could use that money right now. Bills were due soon. Water he could live without, but if they cut his electricity again. . .well they would be getting a very personal complaint. "Shinji!"

"What the fuck do you want?" Shinji demanded out of habit. It was then that he realized it was George on the other end of the line. "Sir."

"Have you started yet or are you standing outside musing?" George demanded.

"Uh. . .looking. . .for the best point of entry right now sir," Shinji said.

"Whatever happened to the front door?" George asked. "I thought you always used the front door."

"It was locked," Shinji said quickly.

"Just get to work," George said.

"Yes sir," Shinji said. He raised one boot and slammed it into the door. The door flew open and Shinji stomped in.

"What the fuck. . ." Shinji fired from the hip and punched six holes in the guard's chest. The roar of the assault rifle drowning out any other bright comments.

"Sound an alarm!" Shinji turned and fired again. The second guard went down and Shinji looked around the lobby. There weren't any other guards. A loud klaxon began to wail and Shinji turned to see the second guard sitting under an alarm panel. He scowled and drew his pistol. His aimed and fired once, the heavy .45 HP slug punching a hole right between the guards eyes. Shinji looked around the room and eyed the glass double doors on the far wall. He thumbed the selector on the back of his pistol and took aim.

"Shinji?"

"I'm busy sir," Shinji said as he fired, the tiny 10-gauge magnum firing device mounted under the pistol's barrel cracked loudly. The window shattered like it had been hit with. . .well like it had been hit with a 10-guage magnum double-ought buckshot shell. "And that's why they call it the key to the kingdom." Shinji quipped as he stepped through the empty doorframe and thumbed the release on his pistol's attachment. The barrel swung to the side and the massive red shell dropped out. Shinji plucked a new one from the strap on his right thigh and pushed it into the chamber.

**Primary Weapon: SCS-270**

**Ammo Remaining: 29/469 6/36**

Shinji started down the hallway and glanced at his objectives.

**Objectives:**

**-Primary:**

**1. Destroy all traces of the microprocessor.**

**-Secondary:**

**1. Eliminate all enemy personnel. - in process**

**2. Destroy all lab equipment.**

"I'm getting that warm fuzzy feeling," Shinji said as his cheeks began to get sore from grinning. "God I love this job!"

(:ii:)

Shinji stared around the lab and fought down his urge to killed something. The lights were out and Shinji was having trouble coping with his low-light vision seeing as how there was almost no light. What he could make out were the bodies on the floor. Someone had just ruined all of his fun. . .they would pay dearly. The lights flickered on and Shinji had to look down to prevent burning out his corneas. He glanced up again and whistled. "You guys seeing this?"

"Dear God," George said in disgust.

"Yeah," Shinji growled as he looked around at the blood coated floor and satanic symbols scribbled on the walls in more blood. "These guys hired the same interior decorator as I did for my office."

"You're not alone. You're first secondary objective is canceled," George said. "There goes your bonus."

"Wait a minute God damn it!" Shinji bellowed. "I need that money! I'm fucking broke because of that little Canadian dude!" There was a moment of silence.

"The pimp?"

"Yeah," Shinji said. "Come on sir. I'm begging here. They're going to turn off my electricity again."

"I guess this isn't really your fault," George said. "Finish the other goals and finish them well."

"Aye, aye skipper!" Shinji chirped happily. The hair on the back of his neck spiked and he dropped flat on his back while drawing his pistol. A glittering silver blade sliced through the air where his throat had been a moment before and Shinji thrust the end of his pistol's suppressor against his attacker's chest as the sword swung around and pressed against his chest. Even from Shinji's position on the floor, his pistol's length allowed him to make sure the man knew he didn't like being snuck up on by giving him a sharp jab to the ribs. Shinji's thumb found the selector on the back of the pistol and slid it all the way to the right, activating the Masterkey again.

"You aren't a Microsoft employee," the man said. He was dressed completely in black with a mask.

"God damned ninjas," Shinji growled. The ninja stepped back regardless of Shinji's pistol and sheathed his katana. He pulled down the lower half of his mask and smiled cheerfully. Shinji immediately felt goose bumps rise on his arms. "You work for Nintendo."

"That's right," the ninja said cheerfully. "This lab was developing a chip that they were planning on using in their first hand held. We couldn't allow that." Shinji shuddered. When it came to the handheld market Nintendo was a force to piss yourself at. Shinji remembered stories from the old timers about the shit storm Sony had to wade through for the release of the PSP. Many good men had been lost. "I take it you'll destroy the lab?"

"Yeah," Shinji said, refusing to take his eyes of the man.

"Alright then," the ninja said as he tugged his mask back into place. "I hope I don't have to kill you later." Shinji shuddered slightly as the man walked away. He quickly holstered his pistol and moved to one of the terminals. He pushed a USB into the computer's port and watched as it automatically began to upload. All of the lab's computer screens flickered and went blank.

**Objectives:**

**-Primary:**

**1. Destroy all traces of the microprocessor. Completed.**

**-Secondary:**

**1. Eliminate all enemy personnel. Cancelled.**

**2. Destroy all lab equipment.**

Shinji grinned and pulled the pack he had been wearing on his back off. He opened one of the waterproof seals and stared at the mass of high explosives. He flipped one of the switches on the detonator and straightened up. He turned and began walking in the direction the ninja had gone. He reached the outside soon enough and tugged the detonator from his pocket. He pressed the button and watched as the lab exploded brilliantly. "I love my job."

"All objectives are completed," George said. Shinji watched as the sedan that had driven him to the lab pulled up. The driver side door opened and the driver stepped out.

"All done?" She was giving him the look.

"Yeah," Shinji said.

"One more thing," George said. "The driver is my God daughter. Don't sleep with her. That will forfeit your bonus Ikari!" Shinji winced. George only said Ikari when he was being serious. Shinji eyed the driver. She was tall, leggy, blond, and definitely giving him the 'let's have some fun' look. Was she worth his bonus? Why was he even wondering?

"Sorry sir," Shinji said. "I didn't catch that last part. Can you hear me? I think my radio is running out of juice. Maybe the reception is weak."

"The radio is implanted under your skin, powered by bio-electric energy, and linked to you from me by a God damned satellite!" George roared. "I'm serious Ikari!"

"Want to have some fun?" the woman asked.

"Depends on what games you know," Shinji said.

"Oh. . .I know quite a few and I'm feeling pretty frisky," the woman said. "Maybe I'll show you more then one."

"Absolutely," Shinji said. The woman smiled and crawled into the back seat. Shinji followed, ignoring the voice screeching in his ear like the conscience that had given up on him oh so long ago. Thus ended another typical day for Officer Shinji Ikari, Inter-company relations specialist, Sony Enforcement Division, Sony Japan.

End

(:ii:)

Author's notes. Here it is. I have officially given up on making sense and this is the result of my pure, un-censored humor. Odd enough for you? For this story I must admit that my main influences were the video game wars between Dom and Ed of the psychotic characters of underpower. and a few others.

You are probably asking yourself some questions. What happened to Shinji? Why the hell does he have a HUD? What the hell is with Nintendo having ninjas?

The first might be explained later. The second is that Shinji is the embodiment of first person shooter video games and thus has a heads up display. Can you think of a better kind of person to fight a war between video game companies. The third I have no clue about, but I do hate ninjas. Sneaky little bastards keep stealing my homework.

I'm just having Microsoft and Sony as the main rivals in this story. Mainly because of the conflict between X-Box and Playstation 2 players. I've seen some arguments escalate into all out brawls that I've gladly participated in, didn't really matter which side. I actually have both and love them equally. Nintendo is just the black sheep because of the big three the Game Cube seems to be the least popular, which is a shame. It's only true fault is mismanagement. Anyone who's played Resident Evil 4 must admit that the Game Cube has some serious punch when utilized correctly. Thus Nintendo became the people that Sony and Microsoft look down on, yet fear deeply due to their insanity, I mean you'd have to be insane to do what they're doing to the poor Game Cube. I think I'm doubling this story's length with all these damn notes.


	2. Chapter 2: The Phantom Plotline

I pretty much don't own anything.

Key:

"Speech" Speech

'Thought' Thought

**HUD HUD (see author's notes if you want to try and figure an explanation out)**

Competition can be Murder

Chapter Two: The Phantom Plotline

Gendo Ikari looked around his office carefully and pulled off his glasses. "I feel like shit."

"You look it." Gendo yelped in surprise and tried to jam his sunglasses back into place, nearly gouging out his eyes again. "Been drinking again?"

"Shut up Sensei." Kozo Fuyutsuki sighed and slapped a thick folder down on the younger man's desk. "What's that?"

"Our funding from the UN has been cut," Kozo said.

"What?" Gendo shrieked. He ripped the folder open and began reading through it. "This is bull shit!"

"No angels, no money," Kozo said. "And they're rather interested in the reason why our budget is the same without having to repair the Evas." Gendo scowled. "I told you to lay off the booze and porn."

"Shut up Sensei," Gendo growled. "This calls for drastic measures!"

"Taking the money we have and go to Mexico?" Kozo guessed.

"That's the really drastic measure," Gendo corrected. "Drastic measures is Plan VGC."

"VGC?" Kozo asked. He tugged a small book from his pocket and began thumbing through it. "VGC, VGC, VGC. . .here it is. . .wait a minute."

"That's right!" Gendo declared, shooting to his feet and sitting down immediately as the room began to spin. "We will turn NERV into a video game company!"

"You're still drunk, aren't you?" Kozo asked. "I mean that's just so fucking out there that I wouldn't even expect it from a sober you."

"Is it Sensei?" Gendo asked.

"Yes, it is," Kozo said.

"Think about it," Gendo said. "Last year the video game industry pulled in more then eight billion Euros."

"I don't know what's worse," Kozo said. "This plan or the fact that it you have some realistic reasoning behind it."

"Think about it," Gendo insisted. "We have the most brilliant minds in the world working here. We could develop a new video game console and produce our own video games. With our resources we could corner the market with a better and cheaper system!"

"Ah hell," Kozo said. "What's the worst that can happen?"

(:ii:)

"I hate mornings," Shinji growled. His alarm clock continued to wail at him. He reached for his bedside table and felt only wood. "Huh?" He looked at where his alarm clock was supposed to be. It wasn't there. He looked around and the clock continued to wail. Something bumped into Shinji's hand and he snatched at it.

"Caught ya, ya little bastard." The new rolling alarm clock continued wailing. Shinji tried to remember how to shut the damn thing off. The alarm seemed to suddenly grow in volume. Shinji rolled over and hurled the little clock at the window. He smiled at the sound of glass breaking and then the peaceful silence. He sat up and looked around his apartment. He managed to get out of bed without tripping. Instead he stubbed his toe on one of the metal ammo boxes lying on the floor. "God damn it!" Shinji managed to stumble into the kitchen. A loud shrill sound broke his peaceful and painful mourning.

"Damn it!" Shinji managed to make it to the heavily reinforced front door in time to see his alarm clock roll in through his new cat flap. He walked over to the couch and sat down heavily. He reached under it and pulled out his new Barrett 25mm rifle. "Come here you little bastard!" Whatever that wheeled demon was made of, it wasn't going to stand up to a 25mm high explosive anti-tank round. A new shrill sound rang out and Shinji snatched up his phone while keeping the massive weapon trained on the clock with one hand. "Go the fuck away or I will gouge your eyes out and skull fuck you to death!"

"Another one of those mourning, eh?" George asked. Shinji tucked the phone into his shoulder and worked on attaching the red dot scope to the rail on top of his rifle. He finished and brought the weapon to his shoulder. The alarm clock paused in front of him, turned a quick one hundred and eighty degrees, and peeled out going at least sixty miles and hour.

"Don't run you little fuck! You're only going to die tired!"

"I take it the alarm clock I bought you is still working," George said. Shinji scowled. He knew this was punishment for that blond back in Chicago. It wasn't enough that his water and electricity were out, nope, George had to go and buy him that little fucking monster. "One more thing Shinji."

"Eh?" Shinji asked as he turned on his PS8 and picked up the wireless controller.

"Why is the emergency beacon on your emergency generator sending out a signal?" George asked. Shinji glanced at the machine sitting in the corner of the living room of his apartment and then at all the cables leading from just about every electrical device in the apartment to the machine.

"I have no clue."

"Just get in here," George growled. "We have something to talk about."

"I can't," Shinji said. "I'm really sick. I can't even get out of bed."

"You're on the Hamburger Hill multiplayer map in Killzone VI," George said. "I have a connection in my office, remember?" Shinji scowled at his TV.

"God damn it." Shinji wondered how much of a sin using God's name in vane was supposed to be. Even if it was minor one he was probably headed to the fifth circle of hell.

(:ii:)

"Mister Ikari is here sir."

"Send him in."

"Yes sir," the secretary said. "Go on in Shinji."

"Thanks," Shinji said. "See you later?"

"My place or yours?" Shinji paused and remembered the massive holes in the floor that he had caused trying to stop his Hell-borne alarm clock when he had first gotten it.

"Yours."

"See you then," Carrie said. Shinji nodded and walked into the office. It was completely dark. Shinji's hand was on his pistol.

"Alright you senile old bastard," Shinji hissed as his vision grayed and everything came into a rather grainy focus through the darkness. The old man didn't have the implants, so he must have been wearing night vision goggles. Shinji frowned. He couldn't see the man. Everything went from gray to various shades of blue. He couldn't see any of the tell-tale bright colors of heat. "Damn it old man. Where the fuck are you?"

"You fucked my god daughter!" A shoe, probably a golf shoe judging by the long spikes, landed dead between Shinji's shoulder blades and sent him flying painfully into the desk at the far end of the room. He hit the ground, rolled, and brought his pistol up. The old man was gone by the time he started searching.

"Actually its kinda vice versa boss," Shinji said cautiously as he swept the room with his pistol. "Haven't you already punished me enough with that god damned alarm clock?"

"I suppose so." Shinji whipped around and saw his boss sitting calmly behind his desk as the lights came on. Shinji's vision immediately moved back to normal. "Put the gun down before I crush your skull with it." Shinji quickly tucked his pistol into its holster. He clearly remembered the last time he had challenged his old, apparently feeble, teacher and boss. The four artificial titanium vertebrae in his back itched at the memory.

"So what did you need to talk to me about?" Shinji asked.

"That lady down at the armory asked me to call you," George explained. "She said something about a new toy needing your approval and testing."

"Alright!" Shinji cheered.

"May I remind you that there will be no 'testing' of Sony personnel during office hours," George growled. Shinji pouted.

"Come on sir," he whined. "When was the last time you caught me with. . ."

"Two days ago," George said. Shinji frowned and then smiled.

"I do so love leggy redheads." A rope fell from the ceiling and Shinji stared at it. "What's that?"

"It's a rather recent addition to my office," George said. Shinji glanced down at the duct tape X on the floor. He took one step to the left.

"Nice try old man." George pulled the rope and Shinji stared as the floor dropped out from under him.

"I loathe you boss."

"Just fall already," George growled. Fall Shinji did, cursing all the way. It was a rather long fall and he came close to using half of the bad language he knew before he hit the ground.

(:ii:)

"God damned senile old bastard. I'm going to kill that ass hole. . ."

"Shinji!"

"I'll rip his chest open and shove his still beating heart down his throat. . ."

"Shinji!"

"No, I'll break him in half and shove his head up his ass. . ."

"Shinji!" Shinji jumped and turned to stare at the dark-haired woman glaring at him.

"Something wrong Yumie?" Yumiko Wulf scowled at him.

"I've been trying to get your attention for ten minutes," the rather beautiful lab tech said.

"Oh," Shinji said. "George said you had something I should test."

"Yeah," Yumie said as she grabbed his wrist and began leading him towards the Sony Enforcement Division's T&D firing rang. "We finally finished work with ADC."

"The air defense cannon?" Shinji asked eagerly.

"Yeah," Yumie said. "We finally managed to cut down the weight to one hundred and thirty-two kilos."

"That's perfect," Shinji said giddily. The woman opened the door and Shinji stepped into the massive shooting range. Laid out on several tables was a 6.4-meter long seven-barreled weapon that had started life as an aircraft-mounted anti-tank weapon.

"We believe that tactical applications of this would be use on vehicles," Yumie said.

"It's madness!" Shinji turned and stared at the man walking towards them. "There is absolutely no practical use for an 30mm gatling gun in an infantry support role!"

"Who said anything about support?" Shinji asked as he ran his hand along one of the weapon's long cold barrels.

"You can't be serious," the man said. Shinji gripped the weapon's handles and managed to heft it off of its cradle. "That's impossible." Shinji turned and weapon down range and pulled the trigger. The barrels began to spin and then all hell broke loose.

(:ii:)

Shinji set the weapon down and tried to control his breathing. His pants felt tight. "Enjoy that, did you?" Yumie asked.

"There's no way," the man babbled. "The recoil from that weapon could stop the aircraft designed to carry it if given enough ammunition."

"It did kick some," Shinji agreed as he rolled his right shoulder and tried to stop grinning. He looked around the shooting range. The backstop of the range, designed to stop 15.2mm APFSDS rounds, was utterly destroyed. The massive spent casings were lying across the shooting range, well over two hundred meters away.

"He can't be human," the man continued to babble.

"New guy?" Shinji asked. Yumie nodded. Shinji shrugged and kneeled down so that he could be at about equal height with the man, who was in a fetal position and rocking back of forth. "Watch out for her, she's a try-sexual."

"You mean a bi-sexual," the man managed.

"No I mean a try-sexual," Shinji said. "She'll try anything at least once. Avoid being alone with her."

"What are you telling him?" Yumie demanded.

"Nothing," Shinji said, shooting to his feet. Yumie scowled at him and stared at the 30mm 'Avenger' lying on the table. Shinji move to stand next to her. "How many rounds was that?"

"Two thousand." Shinji's jaw almost dropped.

"You've got to be kidding," Shinji said. No way two thousand rounds could be wasted in under a minute.

"I had to lower the weapon's rate of fire slightly to make it more practical," Yumie said. "It can go as high as four thousand two hundred rounds a minute and then some."

"How can we make this one do that?" Shinji asked.

"Don't be ridiculous," Yumie said. "There is no practical purpose for the rate of fire to be that high."

"Can't you just turn it up for me?" Shinji asked. "Just once? I'll do anything you want." Yumie frowned. If Sony found out that she was playing around with their weapons for fun, again, there would be hell to pay.

"You'd better work your ass off tonight," Yumie grumbled. Shinji's face fell. "Who is it?"

"Carrie," Shinji said.

"George's secretary?" Yumie asked. Shinji nodded. "Bring her along!"

"Really?" Yumie nodded. "We're meeting over at her place."

"I'll be there!"

"Okay." Shinji turned and walked out. Yumie and Carry, not the first time from the sounds of it. 'Eh, what the hell? It's just going to be one of those nights!' Shinji's mental interlude was cut short and various diagrams began to flash through his head. 'That one will definitely work!' Shinji almost skipped down the hall. Two beautiful women and one hell of a new toy. What could be better?

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Yet another chapter in this bizarre story. Seems less violent crazy and more plain crazy. OH-the fuck-WELL. I can look at this story and smile, knowing that there is not anything even close to it in the rest of the fan fiction kingdom, and if there is please tell me. I won't do anything to the author, scout's honor. Scout. . .me. . .heh.

BTW. The GAU-8/A Avenger cannon really can force the A-10 Warthog into a stall given the approximately four-ton recoil force. Of course this is theoretical since the A-10 is unable to carry sufficient ammo.

PS. The chapter title is taken by Underpower. I don't know if that's copyright infringement, so I'll just say that there is no way in hell I own. Now go read Underpower. They had lesbian fairies!

By the way. . .I NEVER SAID THIS WOULD BE FUCKING ORIGINAL OR EVEN FUNNY! It's supposed to be stress relief for me.


	3. Chapter 3: Plot Encounters of the Va

I pretty much don't own anything.

Key:

"Speech" Speech

'Thought' Thought

**HUD** HUD (see author's notes if you want to try and figure an explanation out)

Competition can be Murder

Chapter Three: Plot Encounters of the Vague Kind

"This is very troubling George."

"If it's true sir," George said as he glanced through the papers. He didn't like how this was sounding. "Remember the Dolphin sir? We spent millions trying to track those buggers down and it turned out to be a hoax."

"NERV is a legitimate corporation," the business suited man said. "This is their official statement."

"Don't you think that its odd that a military company would become a video game company?" George asked.

"Are you kidding?" the man asked. "This Gendo Ikari is considered to be a loose cannon with his own agenda. With the kind of money that video games generate, he could easily fund anything he wanted."

"They're a military organization sir," George pointed out. "That could be troublesome."

"There's no indication that the fools realize what they've gotten themselves into," the man said.

"Catching them unaware is no fun," George grumbled. He knew none of his people liked it either.

"If I left decisions up to you and yours there wouldn't be much of a population left to sell to," the man said.

"Thank you sir," George said brightly. The man frowned.

"Call your best, we all need to talk."

"Yes sir."

(:ii:)

"God damn it!" George hung up the phone and glanced at the list of women he knew Shinji shacked up with on occasion. Fifty names after he had started and he still hadn't found his favorite officer. He dialed the next number. The phone rang eight times before finally being picked up.

"Carrie Swan's residence," a tired voice said. "Can I help you?" George frowned. That didn't sound like his secretary.

"Doctor Wulf?" He heard a curse and guessed he was right. "What are you doing at my secretary's this early?"

"Wake up Carrie."

"What?" a new voice asked. "What's wrong mistress? Have I been bad again?" George had to repress a shudder. He really didn't want to know about his employee's personal lives.

"The phone's for you," Yumie said, sounding rather strained.

"Oh," Carrie said. "Hello?"

"It's Black," George said. 'I know I'm going to regret asking this,' he thought. "Is Shinji there?"

"Wake up Shinji."

"Not now," a new voice said. "I'm exhausted. Play with each other for a minute while I go get coffee." George could almost feel Carrie's embarrassment through the phone.

"It's our boss," she managed.

"Oh. George?" George sighed in relief. It was about damned time.

"Yeah, its me Shinji."

"Fuck off." George felt his eye begin to twitch at the loud bang from the other end of the line and then the dial tone.

(:ii:)

Shinji yawned and stepped into the office. "What the hell is the emergency sir?"

"You are late Mister Ikari." Shinji turned and stared at the man sitting behind the best.

"Sir!" His boss's boss glared at him and then at his watch.

"Ten minutes late," the man said. "How often is this man late Black?"

"Not enough for it to be a problem," George said. The man scowled at Shinji's boss and then turned back to Shinji.

"You worked for NERV," the man said. Shinji's eye twitched. He hated when people took that tone with him.

"Yes sir." Shinji's hand slid under his suit jacket and wrapped around the grip of his SCS-45. Behind the man George opened his jacket slightly to show the massive .500 Smith and Wesson Magnum revolver holstered on his left hip. Shinji quickly let go of his weapon. The old man was faster and those bullets _hurt_!

"Are you aware that they have entered the video game business?" the man asked

"Banzai mother fucker! Here I come Tokyo-3!"

"Get back here!" George roared. Shinji froze, one foot out of the office. He quickly retreated into the office and stood at attention.

"Okay," the man said. "From the top. Tell me everything you know about NERV."

(:ii:)

"That prick isn't going to send me, is he?" Shinji demanded.

"We're still feeling things out," George said. "He was in spin control before they moved him up."

"Explains why he doesn't like the SED," Shinji grumbled.

"You in particular," George said. "Do you know how many hours spin control has to work straight after you go on a mission?"

"How many?" Shinji asked.

"Enough that the new term for an all-nighter is an Ikari." Shinji smiled proudly. "Actually they just coined the term from some of the female staff."

"Oh," Shinji said.

"And if you ever tell me to fuck off again. . ." George trailed.

"I was tired," Shinji said. "You know how I get when I'm tired."

"Yeah," Black said. "We're still paying off the family of the last guy we sent to try and wake you."

"Which is the official reason for that damned alarm clock," Shinji growled.

"Yeah," George said. "Unofficially its to teach you to keep your overactive hormones away from my family."

"She came on to me," Shinji pointed out.

"What would you do if Mother Teresa came on to you?" George demanded.

"She's dead," Shinji said. George sighed.

"You're missing the point here," he grumbled.

"There's a point?" Shinji asked.

"Yes."

"What is it?"

"The point is don't sleep with women in my family!" George bellowed.

"God daughters aren't part of your family," Shinji pointed out. The next movements were a blur and Shinji stared at the revolver in George's hand. "Put the gun down boss."

"No," George growled.

"You don't want to do this," Shinji managed. Why the hell hadn't he paid more attention in negotiating classes?

"I really do," George argued.

"Well I guess I'm not surprise, I did fuck your god daughter into unconsciousness." Shinji winched and watched as George pulled back the hammer. "Shit!"

(:ii:)

Carrie winced at the loud gunshot followed by several more from her boss's office and sighed. She picked up the phone on her desk and punched in a number from memory. "Hello?"

"This is Mister Black's secretary."

"Oh," the man on the other end said. "Gunshot, stab wound, or broken bones?"

"Gunshot," Carrie said. There was a loud crunch and a girlish scream. ". . .and broken bones."

"Alright," the man said. "We'll be there in a few minutes."

"See you then," Carrie said.

(:ii:)

"Did you have any problems with your underling Black?"

"No problem," George said. He was trying not to smirk. There was always something special about shooting that arrogant asshole.

"I am worried about the kind of carnage that your department has been causing recently," the man said. 'Recently?' George wondered.

"We've been operating like this since the launch of the PS One sir," he voice. The man scowled at him. 'Right,' George thought, 'pointing out the stupidity of superiors isn't a good idea.' He probably should have remembered that from how many times he had shot at Shinji for opening his big mouth.

"As I was saying," the man continued, "I believe we should bring in someone else to spread the media attention."

"Mercenaries?" George asked in surprise. "That's fine by me. I know plenty of good companies we can hired from."

"We will not be hiring mercenaries."

"Oh." That was slightly disappointing. George had been looking forward to a combined charge on the NERV head quarters with bayonets fixed.

"Are you listening to me?"

"What?" George had accidentally phased out slightly, pictures of violence and bloodshed flowing through his mind's eye. "Sorry."

"We will enlist the aide of Microsoft."

"What?" George demanded. "Are you fucking nuts?" The man glared at George, but he didn't care. "What shit kicker made a nut case like you the boss? I mean Jesus, did you just go off your meds? Maybe you just started some new kind."

"Mister Black. . ."

"I mean really, you've got to be fucking brain dead to come up with a plan like that."

"Mister Black!"

"Yes?" George asked, quickly coming to his senses. He should probably shoot the man. It just didn't pay to have people _that_ crazy working for Sony. His hand discretely slipped to the Smith and Wesson on his hip. The man swiveled in his chair like any good Bond villain.

"Think about it Mister Black," he said to the wall behind his desk.

"I'm think about it," George said as he drew his revolver and aimed carefully.

"NERV is not only a threat to us, but also to them," the man continued. "The specs of this new console are vastly greater then anything Microsoft is working on." George squeezed the trigger and frowned as the revolver didn't fire.

"Keep talking," he said.

"It's like the old saying goes," the man continued. George pulled the trigger a few more times and thumbed the cylinder release. It swung out and the spent cases were ejected on to the floor. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend," the man continued.

"Uh huh." George searched his pocket and came up with four empty speed loaders. 'That's funny,' he thought. 'I don't remember using all my bullets trying to shoot Shinji. Damn that little bastard is getting even faster.'

"Therefore we believe that it is in our best interest to temporarily merge out resources."

"What has Microsoft said?" George asked as he hunted through his pockets for his emergency bullet.

"Well. . .we haven't exactly mentioned it to them yet," the man said as he turned in his chair. George sighed and holstered his revolver. He shouldn't have shot Shinji. If Shinji had been there he would have had bullets. George wasn't quite sure how and he wasn't quite sure if he wanted to know, but the younger man always had bullets. It was like he had a God damned link to the fourth dimension in his pocket.

(:ii:)

Shinji stared at the pale ceiling overhead. "I'm going to kill the fucking interior decorator."

"That's a tad brash Mister Ikari." Shinji's eyes moved to green-haired woman standing next to his bedside.

"I asked that fucker to paint the ceiling," Shinji growled. "Bright white gives me a headache."

"Well you spend enough time in here to have some say in the decorating," Doctor Melissa Franklin allowed. "So what did you say to Mister Black this time?"

"Something about sleeping with his God daughter," Shinji said as he sat up and began to push the pain button.

"Stop that," Melissa snapped, slapping his hand with a speed that would make a viper jealous. "The last time you emptied the fucking reservoir!"

"Your bedside manner needs work," Shinji grumbled.

"Don't make me strap you to the bed," Melissa growled.

"Like you always do?" Shinji asked. A smile spread across Melissa's lips.

"Well I think you look up to receiving a clean bill of health," she murmured, "but then again, I'm not so sure. I think a few more tests are in order."

"As the doctor says."

(:ii:)

"Open this fucking door!" George continued to pound on the hospital door and ignored the looks he was receiving from both patients and staff. "I know you're in there Shinji. So help me if I have to break this door down you'll be in here with missing limbs!" The lock finally clicked and the door opened. A young woman with green hair quickly walked out, adjusting her skirt.

"I was just having a doctor-patient conference," she declared, righteous fury burning in her eyes.

"Bull shit!" George snapped, making the girl jump.

"What's wrong boss?" Shinji asked as he stepped out of the room. "Didn't you momma ever tell you to be nice to women?" George's eyebrow twitched. Shinji had far too much bounce in his step for someone who had just been shot with three hundred and fifty grain hollow points.

"My mother instilled that fact into me soul."

"Good," Shinji said. "Let's go eat. I'm starving!"

"I hate you with every fiber of my being," George growled.

"Until you need me to go blow something up," Shinji said, "then you love me like the son you never had."

"No," George grumbled, "then I love you like the ICBM currently being set up to take out Nintendo's new China branch."

"So what did the old fart have to say?" Shinji asked.

"Oh. . .that," George said. "You may want to sit down."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. The strangeness is even odd to me. Although this is pretty damn fun to write. And yes I am aware with is about the fourth woman Shinji had slept with in three chapters. Perhaps slept is the wrong word, how about fucked like bunnies?

Heh. NERV is so dicked, judging from the number of women working there that might have a double meaning.


	4. Chapter 4: The Plot Strikes Back

I pretty much don't own anything.

Key:

"Speech" Speech

'Thought' Thought

HUD HUD (see author's notes if you want to try and figure an explanation out)

Competition can be Murder

Chapter Four: The Plot Strikes Back

Something was wrong. Shinji could feel it in the air. One hand slid under his pillow and wrapped around the pistol grip of his pistol. He opened one eye and glanced around his bedroom.

"You wouldn't dare." Shinji's alarm clock was perched on his bedside table. During the night it had maneuvered two rulers up onto the table and made a crude ramp. The mechanical incarnation of Satan was currently resting at the base of the rulers. "Okay you would, but I will see you dismantled if you do."

The creation of pure mechanical evil faltered slightly and Shinji thought he had won the battle. Then the clock's alarm went off and it shot forward in a tiny cloud of smoke and screeching tires.

(:ii:)

George stared at Shinji. He was trying to stay on the younger man's good side. . .really. "What the fuck happened to your face?" Well he had been anyway.

"That mechanical abomination you forced on me catapulted itself off of my bedside table and into my eye!" Shinji bellowed, his glare slightly off due to the swelling around his right eye.

"I don't think it was programmed to due that," George said.

"It's evil!" Shinji yelled, grabbing George by the neck and shaking him. "You have no idea the evil that your actions have wrought upon the world!"

"Do. . .you. . .even. . .know. . .what. . .wrought. . . .means?" George managed to get out between shakes. Shinji let him go and turned to stare at the elevator doors. George thought back to the store he had found that alarm clock. In hindsight buying anything in a store with pentagrams on the wall, goat skulls on the counter, and candles everywhere was probably a bad idea. 'Oh well,' George thought with a mental shrug. 'Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.'

(:Earlier that day:)

"So NERV really is a threat?" Jin Campbell asked.

"Yes sir," Jin's latest flunky said. Jin stared at the papers.

"Well I'll be damned," he said. "I thought we were getting jerked around again. Remember the Dolphin?"

"No sir."

"Why do I bother keeping you around?" Jin asked.

"Because you broke your last three assistants and you refused an artificial one because you couldn't play mind games with them." Jin raised an eyebrow. This one seemed really serious. Jin gave him a week before he ended up crying and twitching on the ground.

"You think the Sony man will bring along one of their super human killing freaks?" Jin asked.

"Yes sir. I advise you to take Kirishima with you."

"Okay."

(:Present:)

"You're exaggerating Shinji."

"Bull shit old man!" Shinji snapped. "Do you think I got this fucking shiner from walking into a door?"

"I wouldn't put it past you," George said. Shinji felt his right index finger begin to jerk rhythmically. An tick that used to involve his whole hand, but had moved to his trigger finger after he started using firearms. The elevator's buzzer went off and Shinji drew his pistol and stepped out into the hallway quickly. "Shinji! What did I tell you earlier?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Shinji grumbled as he pulled the Masterkey off his pistol and screwed a long suppressor onto the weapon's muzzle.

"I told you not to kill them!" George yelled.

"You told me to kill them quietly," Shinji corrected. George stared at the man and then rolled his eyes.

"Remember what I told you two hours ago," he growled, "not two years." Shinji sighed and tucked the weapon into his shoulder holster.

"Be more specific," he grumbled as he led the way down the hall towards the hotel's conference room.

"If I wasn't worried about my safety I would kill you," George said simply.

"Don't let that stop you." They rounded a corner and Shinji stared at the man standing in front of the conference room's double doors. "That him?"

"Yeah."

"Where the fuck are his body guards?"

"Maybe he doesn't have them," George said. Shinji glanced at him over his shoulder. "Stupid idea."

"Yeah," Shinji said as he tugged his jacket off for better access to his weapon.

"Don't do anything that could be considered a threat," George ordered.

"Have I ever. . ."

"I will have to kill you if you finish that question," George said. Shinji paused.

"I think I would have to too." A flash of movement from his left and Shinji spun to face the threat.

"Ikari!"

"She drew first sir," Shinji gritted out as his finger tightened on the trigger of his pistol. He stared at the young woman at the end of his weapon and then down at the tiny pistol pressed against his throat.

"I would like to know the meaning of that myself," the man said. "What got into you Kirishima?"

"Reaction sir," Mana Kirishima said.

"Right," George said. "After you."

"Thank you," the man said. Shinji watched as they walked into the conference room. "And don't kill each other for fuck's sake!" The door slammed shut.

"Now what are we supposed to do?" Mana asked.

"Don't know," Shinji said. He glanced around and kept his pistol aimed firmly at the young woman's face. "Well this is rather awkward."

"Yeah, we aren't trying to kill each other yet," Mana said. "What do you want to do?" Shinji felt the ends of his lips twitch slightly upwards.

(:ii:)

"It's quiet out there," George said suspiciously.

"Is that a bad thing?" Jin asked. George nodded and quickly made his way to the door. He pushed it open and found the large waiting room empty.

"Damn it!"

"What's wrong?" Jin asked.

"I just can't leave that bastard around anything with breasts!" George raged as he dug his pistol out of his coat. "I'm going to kill that ass hole!"

"Calm down," Jin said. "There must be a logical explanation for this. I believe that Kirishima wouldn't just run off and bed the man she's fought against for almost four years."

"You don't know Ikari," George said. He picked up the sound of a rhythmic tapping and spun around. He stared at the broom closet door and felt the muscle in the corner of his eye begin to twitch. "Get the hell out of there!" The tapping stopped immediately.

"What are you doing sir?" George spun and stared at Shinji and Mana.

"What?"

"We went to get drinks," Shinji said as he held up a bottle of beer. "Now who are you yelling at?" George spun and fired at the door. It burst open and two young barely dressed hotel employees fell out in a tangle of limbs.

"If you were lonely I could always set up a meeting with that Canadian," Shinji offered as he took a sip of his beer bottle.

"That's alright," George said. "So you just went to get drinks?"

"Yeah," Mana said. "And Shinji let me play with his gun."

"What?" Jin asked.

"His gun," Mana said. "We need to get some of those things at Microsoft. They're huge! Why are you two smirking?"

"What is gun another word for?" Shinji asked. Mana frowned thoughtfully and then spun to glare at the older men.

"Perverts!"

"We're just going to go finish planning," George said.

"You do that," Shinji said as he took another sip from his bottle. George glanced at Jin as they walked back into the conference room.

"I told you," the younger man said, both completely oblivious to the fact that Shinji's hand had been comfortably resting on Mana's ass throughout the conversation.

(:ii:)

Shinji reclined in his seat and lit a cigarette. "You smoke?"

"Only after certain activities," Shinji said as he took a drag, ignoring the no smoking signs. "Been a while since we met up last time, eh?"

"Yeah," Mana agreed. "It has been a while, hasn't it?"

"A year," Shinji said. "I think the bosses were trying not to send us to the same theatre of operation after last time."

"It wouldn't surprise me," Shinji said, fighting not to smirk. "Not everyone at the SED can truthfully claim that they made a whole Polynesia island disappear."

"Yep," Mana sighed happily. "Of course that isn't as much of a good thing at Microsoft."

"Pussies," Shinji grumbled as he took another drag.

"Really," Mana said. "My instructor on other agency tactics had a shit load of trouble adapting."

"You have an instructor to teach you about us?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah," Mana said. "He says he was a roommate of yours when you were going through the SED academy."

"I had a couple," Shinji said. "They kind of came and went."

"His name was Harold Bird," Mana said.

"No clue."

"He says he was your roommate for over a year!" Shinji frowned and scratched his chin.

(:Five and a Half Years Ago:)

Shinji stared at the television in his dorm room and growled as his avatar fell to the ground. "You damn dirty camper!"

"I like to think of myself as a long-range anti-personnel specialist," the man sitting beside Shinji said. One of the four mini screens on the T.V. lit up brilliants. "What the fuck?"

"I like to think of myself as a long range bombardment specialist," Shinji said as the brilliant light from the T.V. continued to flicker over the four men sitting in front of it. Suddenly one of them fell to the floor and began to twitch.

"I think Birdie is having a seizure," the man to Shinji's left said without taking his eyes of the T.V.

"Free kill!" Shinji cheered as he sent a swarm of missiles flying at the downed man's avatar.

(:Present Day:)

"Twitchy!" Shinji exclaimed. "How the hell is Twitchy doing?"

"You do know that he has a medical condition that causes him to have seizures when exposed to certain light patterns, right?"

"Eh," Shinji said dismissingly. "Have you ever seen him really go at it? He starts foaming at the mouth and he practically pops off the ground."

"That's not funny," Mana growled.

"Liar," Shinji said smugly. Mana scowled at him and took a swig from the bottle in her hand.

"So what kind of weapons do you guys pack?" Shinji frowned thoughtfully and then tugged his pistol out of its holster. "Oh my God! That thing is huge!"

"Yep."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Twitchy, heh, I always wanted to use that idea in a story.  
Gee, if Mana's only now seeing Shinji's handgun I wonder what he was playing with earlier. Heh.


	5. Chapter 5: The airport blew up? Oops

I pretty much don't own anything.

Key:

"Speech" Speech

'Thought' Thought

HUD HUD (see author's notes if you want to try and figure an explanation out)

Competition can be Murder

Chapter Five: The airport blew up? Oops.

Shinji glanced up as the door to the meeting room slid open. "Hey boss."

"You're in a good mood," George commented.

"If you're going to be this snappish constantly then I'm going to set you up with one of the Canadian's most expensive girls," Shinji replied.

"I guess that would count as a birthday present," George stated thoughtfully.

"Anyway," Jin growled. "We have decided that you will both be sent in to cooperate on this op."

"One question," Shinji said.

"Shoot."

"How did you get him to agree to partnering me with an attractive woman?" Shinji asked.

"It wasn't easy," Jin replied. "Anyway, you will decide the cover that you want to use. We will expect weekly reports from you on NERV's actions. We want to know personnel numbers, military strength, and information on their hardware. Got it?"

"Yes sir," Mana replied.

"Am I suppose to call you sir?" Shinji asked.

"Do you understand yes or no?" George demanded.

"Well it's not exactly rocket science. . ."

"Yes or no!" George shrieked.

"Yes," Shinji replied. "What kind of equipment am I being issued?"

"Anything you can carry," George answered. "You can raid the armory when we get back to HQ."

"Gun raid! Woot!"

"Is it too late to rephrase that?" George asked.

"It is if you value your life."

"Alright then."

(:ii:)

"I'll take this and this and a shit load of these and. . .holy shit! When did we get these?"

"This was a bad idea," George stated.

"No kidding," Yumie commented. "Put that down!"

"But. . ."

"Now!"

"Yes mistress." George sighed and massaged his temples. 'I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know.'

"How about this one?"

"That's fine," Yumie replied. George sighed again. It probably would have cost lest to drop a fusion bomb on Tokyo-3. Probably do less damage too. "So when are you coming back?"

"Couple of months maybe," Shinji replied. "The bosses want information and corpses instead of just corpses."

"They want you to gather information?" Yumie asked.

"No," George interrupted. "We're sending someone along with a slightly more delicate touch."

"A more delicate touch?" Yumie repeated.

"You have no idea," Shinji commented.

"I really don't want to know what you're suggesting with the comment," George growled.

"With your violent reactions as of late I'm pretty sure I don't want you to know either," Shinji stated.

"My violent reactions?" George demanded.

"Yeah," Shinji replied. "You're turning into a regular homicidal nutcase."

"You're one to talk!"

"Well you're the one who made me like this!"

"He has a point," Yumie commented. "Put that down!"

"But. . ."

"No nukes!" Yumie screamed. "I'll lose my job! They specifically told me no nukes for you after what happened on that island!"

(:ii:)

Mana glanced up and stared at the man walking towards her. "Where's all the equipment?"

"It's being shipped ahead," Shinji replied. "Come on." Mana turned and followed him up the boarding ramp of the C5 transport jet that Jin had given them. "So what cover are we using?"

"I was thinking a young married couple in Tokyo-3 for their honey moon," Mana explained. She saw one of Shinji's eyebrows raise. "I set everything up already. We're staying at the honey moon suite in the Tokyo-3 Deluxe."

"Isn't that a love motel?" Shinji asked. Mana made what she hoped was a scandalized face. In all honesty she hadn't felt scandalous or embarrassed in years.

"Of course not!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Mana replied. "It's actually a new kind of lodging. They're reclassifying it as a love hotel."

"Does that mean there aren't going to be restraints and riding crops?" Shinji asked.

"No. It just means that we aren't going to have to wash them first."

"Oh. Well that's cool."

"Yeah," Mana replied. She frowned as a new thought entered her mind. "Hang on, you're a dominator?"

"A bit."

"Well I'm a dominatrix. How the hell is this going to work?"

"We could always play a little game I learned at the academy," Shinji replied.

"What's it called?"

"The one that lasts longest," Shinji replied.

"I played that," Mana replied happily, "and I never lost. I played that game for eight hours once." She frowned as a new thought entered her mind. "Aren't the Sony academy's barracks gender segregated?"

"Yeah," Shinji replied. "As a matter of fact sneaking around is part of the training. You just don't want to get caught."

"What happens?"

"You got sent to the disciplinarian's office," Shinji replied, his eye beginning to twitch. "Now she was a dom."

(:ii:)

Gendo stared at the small television in his office and smirked. "The sweet taste of success!"

"Just because you've got all those video game review shows buzzing doesn't mean that your plan is actually working," Kozo commented. "These shows have no credibility."

"Are you kidding me?" Gendo demanded. "Those bastards are impossible to please. They even gave My First Love a four out of five."

"What?" Kozo demanded as he found out that his favorite love sim had been given a less then perfect score. "The bastards must die!"

"Relax Professor," Gendo stated. "We can recreate it! Faster, longer, hotter!" Kozo scratched his chin and stared at the television thoughtfully.

"I suppose. This show still isn't worth a damn."

"Look where the Daily Show started! Gendo insisted. "You're old enough to remember before it was the primary source of news for the world!"

"That's true," Kozo replied. "What about the other companies?"

"Companies are already flocking to us," Gendo stated proudly.

"I meant Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony," Kozo replied.

"Pft! What could they do?"

(:ii:)

"So we're suppose to steal the prototype?" Shinji asked as he stared at the papers spread out in front of him. There was so much meaningless babble. He was beginning to miss his old briefings. 'Kill him, blow this to hell, upload this virus!' Shinji recalled fondly.

"No," Mana stated. "We're supposed to find out exactly what kind of components are being used in the machine, maybe bump off a few techs."

"Dibs."

"Wait. . .damn it."

"Heh." Shinji turned back to his papers and finally gave up. He crumbled them into a ball and tossed them over his shoulder.

"Ass hole!" Shinji whipped around with his pistol drawn.

"Who the fuck said that?" No one spoke. "I thought so." Shinji tucked the weapon back under his jacket. "You think Nintendo will send anyone in?"

"I hope not," Mana replied. "This is where you're from, right?"

"Yep."

"You don't have any trouble with the fact that normally when we're in the same city together that city turns into a hole in the ground, do you?"

"Absolutely not," Shinji replied. "Actually, the city would end up that way whether you were here or not."

"Oh. We'll be landing pretty soon."

"Cool."

(:ii:)

Shinji stepped off the military transport and looked around the airport. "Welcome home to me."

"What?"

"Nothing." Shinji adjusted the straps of the duffel bag containing his essentials, namely his assault rifle, the attachments for his pistol, and a couple of new HE-FRAG grenades.

"This is such a nice city," Mana commented.

"Yep."

"We're going to destroy it all, aren't we?"

"You know it." Shinji grinned. "Where's the car?"

"Over there," Mana replied. Shinji stared at the black van and whistled.

"A Microsoft Compact Urban Assault vehicle."

"Yeah."

"I'm driving."

"Like hell you are!" Shinji glanced at Mana out of the corner of his eye. She stared right back. Almost on unison they jumped apart and drew their weapons. "This isn't getting us to the love hotel any quicker."

"If you're so desperate then just fork over the keys," Shinji stated.

"I can hold out longer then you can," Mana hissed. She frowned and cocked her head to the side. "Do you hear something ticking?" Shinji frowned and glanced back at his duffel. He had dropped it when he had gone for his gun. He carefully unzipped it and stared at the clock inside.

"Must've armed when I dropped the bag," Shinji commented.

"What does that mean?" Shinji glanced at Mana and then at the timer.

"Run."

"Right."

(:ii:)

George stared at the television in his office. "Boss?" George didn't even notice as his secretary pushed the door open and stepped inside. "Are you okay Mister Black? I haven't heard a single rant about things being destroyed in twenty minutes." She noticed the television and moved to stand behind his desk.

"And now back to the scene of this horrific explosion." Carrie watched as a live television feed came over the screen.

"Investigators have finally discovered the cause of the explosion," the on scene reporter reported. "It was a bomb. I repeat, a bomb caused the explosion." The live feed returned to the anchorwoman. She was silent for almost ten minutes.

"Well, ladies and gentlemen. As the death rate soars all air travel continues to be banned."

"You don't think."

"I don't," George growled. "I know. God damn you Ikari!"

(:ii:)

"Boss is going to have a shit fit."

"You did blow up an airport," Mana commented.

"It was your fault too!" Shinji roared. "If you had just given me the keys. . ."

"Don't you dare!" Mana shrieked. "This is all your fault. . .and that dumb ass who parked that tanker of jet fuel there."

"Yeah," Shinji replied. "At least there wasn't any radioactive material this time."

"Yup," Mana agreed. "Hey Shinji?"

"Yeah?"

"How did you escape that blast?"

"Company secret."

"Ah." Shinji frowned as his cell phone went off. He tugged it out and flipped it open.

"Yellow!"

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Oh. Hey boss."

"Do you?" George demanded.

"Uh. . .oops?" That was when the recently installed remote controlled tazer in Shinji's phone went off and sent ten thousand volts of electricity coursing through his brain.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Is that in bad taste? Seeing as to recent and not so recent events maybe I shouldn't do bombs at airports.

Well. . .fuck it. If you've read this far then you've already proven that you don't have any good taste. . .or you're a masochist.


	6. Chapter 6: You Little Fuckers!

I own absolutely nothing.

Competition Can Be Murder

Chapter Six: You Little Fuckers!

Shinji stared at the papers spread across his and frowned. A moan sounded behind him and he glanced over his shoulder to see his partner finally beginning to stir. She sat up and blinked at him blearily. Shinji thought the maid outfit looked even better half hanging from her body. "Morning."

"Morning," Shinji replied. "You passed out."

"I haven't had a good lay in a long time," Mana replied. She crawled to the end of the bed and stared at the papers over Shinji's shoulder. "What's that?"

"The latest specs for NERV's new console," Shinji explained. "They were delivered with my new equipment." 'And the death threat from George,' Shinji added silently.

"Those aren't currently possible," Mana stated. "They're bullshitting."

"I thought so too," Shinji replied. "But then I remember an old saying from training."

"Yeah?" Mana prodded.

"Never underestimate the stupid ones and the crazy ones."

"Which one is NERV?"

"Both," Shinji replied. He stared at the processing speeds again and frowned. Something about them was making his stomach queasy.

"Oh my," Mana commented, leaning further over Shinji's shoulder.

"What?"

"Looks like someone's an early riser."

"Actually, he never really goes to sleep."

(:ii:)

Shinji stared at the ceiling and took a drag on his cigarette. "We should do something," Mana commented.

"We just did."

"About the case," Mana stated.

"Oh," Shinji replied. "I already have a few plans. We're going to meet some old friends of mine. You bi-sexual?"

"Occasionally. Why?"

"I know a few women I think you should meet."

(:ii:)

Ritsuko Akagi scowled at the newspaper and drained her third cup of coffee. She hated mornings, especially Monday mornings.

She stared at the newspaper. The main article was the latest press release on NERV's console. It was front-fucking-page news! "And I wondered what happened when all those gamer kids grew up," Ritsuko commented.

"Doctor Akagi?" Ritsuko turned and stared at the young couple standing next to her.

"Yes?"

"You don't recognize me?" the man asked. Ritsuko stared at him. He did look vaguely familiar. Then it hit her.

"Shinji?" Her eyes swept him up and down and she tried not to drool. The man smiled brilliantly.

"You do remember." Ritsuko was on her feet groping, er, hugging the young man before he could continue.

"Of course I do!" She pulled back from the man. "How have you been Shinji?"

"Better then ever," Shinji replied. "This is my wife Mana." Ritsuko froze. 'Wife?'

"It's nice to meet you," Mana said, smiling brightly. Apparently, she didn't mind other women getting close to her husband. 'I wonder,' Ritsuko thought, her mind turning to even more perverted things then normal as she eyed Mana.

"Charmed." She glanced back at her woefully empty table. "Please, have a seat."

"Alright."

(:ii:)

"Bye!" Shinji smiled and waved at the blond as she walked away. By his side Mana waved too.

"You want me to get her?"

"I guess she went bi," Shinji replied. "Together?"

"Okay," Mana answered. "But I get first."

"Fine."

"And last."

"Whatever."

"And the middle."

(:ii:)

"Interesting." Gendo stared at the pictures on his desk.

"Quite." Gendo jumped in surprise and scooped up the pictures. "You don't have enough to do," Kozo commented.

"Shut up sempai," Gendo growled as he stuffed his porn into the top drawer of his desk. "Did you know Shinji got married?"

"What?"

"Yeah," Gendo stated. "Doctor Akagi just ran into him and his wife."

"What's your son doing in Tokyo-3?" Kozo asked.

"To hell if I know," Gendo replied dismissingly.

"Doesn't he work for Sony?" Kozo pressed.

"Uh. . .maybe."

"Don't you find this just a little bothersome?" Kozo asked. "We're working on the system to put all other game companies out of business and your son, who works for such a company, just decides to stop by."

"You think Sony sent Shinji to spy on us?" Gendo asked in disbelief. Kozo frowned, going over his previous words.

"Well. . .yeah." Gendo burst out laughing. "Oh shut up."

"What's he going to do?" Gendo managed between howls of laughter, "mope on us?"

(:ii:)

"You okay?" Mana watched as her 'husband' turned to face her.

"What?"

"You just had a strange look on your face," Mana explained.

"Oh. I just had a really strong urge to find my father beat him within an inch of his life," Shinji explained. He picked up his pistol and tucked it into the holster in the small of his back.

"Where are you going?"

"I've got a few questions to ask," Shinji replied. "I'll be back before Ritsuko shows up."

"Take your time," Mana commented. "We'll find something to do." Shinji nodded and stepped outside.

"Occasionally my foot."

(:ii:)

Makoto Hyuga looked around the bar nervously and picked up his beer. Where was his contact? "One egg, a bottle of Tabasco sauce, salt, and pepper." Makoto froze. That was what his contact was supposed to order.

"Now what the hell are you going to do with that?" Makoto turned and stared at the man that the bartender was talking to.

"I'm going to make a Prairie Oyster," the man explained. "I've already got one hell of a hangover."

"Oh." The bartender turned and walked away to get the man's supplies.

"Ikari?"

"Hello Hyuga," Shinji replied. "You're our man in NERV?"

"Yeah," Makoto stated as he dug a file out of his Puni Puni Poemi backpack. "Here's all the information I have at the moment. I'll call George when I get more." Shinji leafed through the papers and nodded.

"This is some pretty good stuff."

"Do you have it?" Makoto's hands were starting to shake. "I need it man. I need it real bad."

"I got what you need," Shinji replied as he reached into his pocket. He tugged out a thin case and covertly passed it to Makoto. "The Steel Angel Kurumi Date Sim Unrated Director's Cut."

"God bless you Ikari."

"He'd rather be anally reamed."

(:ii:)

Shinji growled and slammed his fist on the door. He had been locked out. Inside he could hear all the tell tale sounds of a damn good time. Finally the door cracked open and Shinji found one pair of green eyes and one pair of brown eyes staring at him. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Alcohol," Shinji stated flatly, holding up his bag. All the mini bar had was the ingredients for body shots. Not that Shinji minded body shots, they just didn't have a whole lot of booze in them.

"That's as good a reason as any," Mana stated. The door whipped open and someone grabbed Shinji by the belt buckle. "Get the fuck in here!"

"That was the idea."

(:ii:)

George scowled. He hadn't gotten the report he was supposed to have. 'One simple God damn thing!' he raged internally. George snatched up the phone and punched in the number he knew from memory. The phone was picked up on the third ring. "I don't give a flying fuck."

"Good to speak to you too sunshine," George growled.

"Boss!" Shinji squeaked. George frowned. He caused fear, but he had never managed to make Shinji squeak.

"Are you okay?"

"Perfect," Shinji stated. "Bye, bye."

"Where's the fucking report?" George roared before his best agent could hang up.

"Gathering data at the moment," Shinji stated. Then a new voice filtered over the phone.

"Damn it Ikari, put your tongue back to work now!" George's jaw dropped. He calmly set the phone down and pushed his chair away from his desk. He stood up, turned to face the wall, and began to slam his head into it. Apparently, he was making a lot of noise.

"Boss?"

"Yes?"

"Ikari's on the phone, right?"

"Yes." George heard the sound of his secretary picking up the phone between the dull bangs of his head and the wall.

"Shinji?" She paused. "Yeah, its me." Another pause. "I'm fine. What have you been up to?" Another long pause. "All in twenty four hours?" Another paused. "A blond and a brunet?" Another pause. "What cup size?" she shrieked. Then, "How many vacation days do I have left Boss?"

"Zero," George grunted between head bangs. There was something wrong with young people today, something more then just the aphrodisiacs the UN was pumping into the global drinking water supply to increase population growth.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Uh. . .I got nothing.


	7. Chapter 7: Acid can be Murd

I really, really, really don't own anything.

Competition Can Be Murder

Chapter Seven: Acid can be Murder

Shinji jerked awake and looked around his the hotel room with his good eye. He reached up and winced as he felt the swelling around his left eye. "Damn." The room hadn't exactly escaped unscathed either.

He sat up and glanced down at the two women sprawled next to him, shifting uncomfortably. Playing doctor with a real doctor was a new experience, mostly a pleasant one, but the surprise prostate exam Shinji could have lived without.

The shrill bleat of his cell phone continued, unaware of the fact that it had already awoken him. Shinji picked it up and flipped it open. "Fuck off."

"Well good morning to you too sunshine." Shinji sighed and stood up.

"Morning boss. What's up?" Shinji grabbed his pants and quickly pulled them on before hunting around for the belt with his pistol holstered on it.

"Your report is late," George stated. "You'd better have something good to show for it." Shinji frowned. Had he gotten any information out of Ritsuko? A better question was, had he gotten any coherent sentences out of her? Well, other then the one, two and three word ones. Of course, those were typically commands.

"We have a NERV worker here and are questioning her," Shinji explained.

"That'd be the blond with big boobs." Shinji froze and spun around. "Relax Ikari. I don't have any cameras in your hotel room. I don't feel like having to gouge my eyes out."

"Then how did you. . ."

"I heard you talking to Carrie," George explained.

"Heh." Shinji held the phone away from his head cautiously. A couple million volts to the head did a lot more then tickle. "I have a couple of files I'm shipping to you."

"Files?" George asked. "As in information? You have information? For me? On NERV?"

"Yeah," Shinji stated as he tugged out the folder he had received from Makoto.

"Oh. Well, how did you get those?"

"I bribed a pervert with a date sim," Shinji replied.

"I'll have you know that I play date dims," George growled.

"It was the uncut Steel Angel dating sim," Shinji replied.

"Oh," George commented. "There's an uncut version of that game? What the fuck is on there?"

"Horses," Shinji stated, his eye beginning to twitch. He had wondered exactly what they would have added to the game to make it the uncut version so he had played it for a few hours. That game had destroyed whatever speck of innocence Shinji had left.

"You're up already?"

"Huh?" Shinji glanced over his shoulder to see Ritsuko looking around the room groggily. Shinji carefully toed the holster containing his pistol under the bed. "Yup."

"Good. Now get the fuck over here." Shinji grinned and tossed his cell phone into the kitchen. He would worry about what George would do later. It wasn't like he would have stopped if he had considered the consequences.

(:ii:)

"That was fun."

"Hmm," Shinji sipped his coffee. "Most of it."

"The swelling will go down," Mana replied dismissively. "So stop being such a big baby." Shinji growled at the woman and considered making her regret her words. 'She's a good lay,' he decided finally.

"What do you think about the information she gave us?"

"It's pretty good," Mana replied. "We still didn't manage to slip the processing chip into the conversation."

(:ii:)

Gendo was floating on air. He hadn't had a day this good in a long time. 'I feel happy, oh so happy,' he sang mentally as he stepped into his office. "Good mourning Sempai!"

"You're high, aren't you?"

"As a kite!" Gendo replied giddily. "Have you seen Doctor Akagi? She's late for work."

"Last I heard she was on a date," Kozo replied.

"A date?"

"With your son."

"My son?"

"And his wife."

"His wife?"

"Are you a fucking parrot?" Kozo demanded.

"Uh. . ." Kozo sighed.

"We'll try this again when you aren't lit like a fucking light bulb."

"A-Okay Sensei!"

(:ii:)

Shinji was bored. He reached down his pants and scratched. "Stop that!"

"It itches," Shinji growled.

"That's no reason to play pocket pool is public!" Mana snapped. Shinji scowled at her. He was a man of action, well George would say he was a man of explosions and corpses. He was not a man of sitting on his ass and observing.

"Why don't we just kick open the doors and march in there?" Shinji demanded. He and Mana were currently sitting in the forest surrounding the pyramid of Central Dogma.

"Because our orders are to get information!" Mana snapped. "Thanks to Ritsuko all we need to find out is what the processing chip is."

"So I can blame her for not being able to go in there and make a mess?" Shinji asked. He scowled at Mana. "You Microsoft people are just a bunch of peeping toms."

"And you Sony people are a bunch of violent maniacs!" Mana grumbled.

"Duh," Shinji replied. That seemed to make Mana even angrier.

"You little shit!" Shinji tried to fire back a stinging and intelligent retort, but four deceptively thin-looking fingers and two thumbs had wrapped themselves around his throat.

"Helicopter."

"What?"

"Helicopter," Shinji repeated, pointing up. Mana let go and turned back.

"I think this should be the chopper with NERV's lead game developer."

"Why don't they just go for Third Party developers?"

"The money goes straight to the company in First Party deals," Mana stated. Shinji picked up a pair of binoculars. He watched as a ravishing brunette with long flowing hair stepped out of the chopper.

"Ooh. Now she's hot. Can we try getting information out of her next?"

"Is that your new innuendo for screwing senseless?" Mana asked.

"No," Shinji replied, trying to sound hurt. "Its hardly new." Mana sighed.

"I just recognized that game developer," she commented.

"Who is she?" Shinji asked.

"That's John Romero." Shinji gaped.

"Can I borrow a knife?"

"Going to gouge your eyes out?" Mana asked.

"Yup."

"Do it on your own time."

(:ii:)

"This is incredible," Jin stated as he leafed through the papers.

"All we need now is to find out what kind of processor they're using and begin busting a few skulls at the Third Party Developers who are planning on merging with NERV," George stated.

"How do you think they manage to get all this information in such a short amount of time?"

"It involved a blond with big knockers and a brunette that I'm assuming was Mana," George replied. Jin's eyebrow twitched.

"I try to avoid my employees' personal lives and tactics in the field."

"True dat."

"Boss!" George glanced up as Jin's flunky sprinted into the room.

"What is it?" Jin asked. The flunky continued to wheeze and pant. Apparently he had sprinted the whole way. "What is it?"

"Sega," the flunky gasped, offering his boss a cell phone before fainting dead away.

(:ii:)

Shinji scowled as the knocking at the door dragged him out of nap. "Who's there?"

"UPS!" Shinji raised his pistol and put four rounds through the door. He stumbled to his feet and pulled the door open. He glared at the brown-uniformed corpse and smirked.

"Who was it?" Mana called.

"A Microsoft assassin pretending to be a UPS guy," Shinji answered.

"Uh. . .Shinji?"

"Yeah?"

"Two things. First, Microsoft stopped using the UPS thing. Second, you're working with Microsoft." Shinji glanced back at the corpse.

"Whoops." He took the box the man had been carrying and kicked the door shut. He set the box down and scowled at the tape covering it. "I hate UPS."

(:ii:)

Mana frowned as a sound not unlike a chainsaw being started echoed through the hotel room. "Shinji?"

"Yeah?"

"What was that?"

"A chainsaw."

"Oh." Mana turned back to preparing her lunch. Then his words caught her. She glanced out into the living room and stared at the pieces of brown paper lying everywhere. Shinji was excitedly going through a large black box. "What's that?"

"Presents!" Shinji cheered. He held up two weapons, one looking like the pistol he always carried and the other looking very much like a overgrown Mauser C-96. "I didn't even know these things were out a T&E yet!"

"What are they?"

"This is a SCS-50 tactical handgun and this is a SCS-458 select-fire carbine!" Shinji exclaimed. "I finally have a .50-caliber handgun! Oh look, FRAG-10 shells!"

"Wonderful," Mana deadpanned. "I take it this means we're going to be doing something violent in the near future."

"Oh I hope so!"

(:ii:)

A wave a fear washed over Gendo. "I'm so scared Sensei!"

"You need to stop dropping acid," Kozo grumbled. Gendo's sobs tampered off and Kozo glanced up. The younger man was perched on his desk with his arms spread.

"I'm Jesus Christ! I can fly!" Kozo winced as Gendo hit the ground head first. The older man tugged a small black envelope embossed with the NERV insignia out of his pocket and tossed it in the garbage can.

"Guess that was a bad batch."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. It's tiny. No, not that. I meant the chapter! Gaming story. Had to take a shot at Romero.

P.S. I do not endorse drug use! So what if they make me more creative and kill the bad men in my head?


	8. Chapter 8: God Hates Ikaris

I don't own anything.

Competition Can Be Murder

-Chapter Eight: God Hates Ikaris

Misato Katsuragi glanced up as the door leading into Central Dogma opened and Ritsuko strode in. The blond grabbed a mug of coffee, sat down in her seat, and began whistling. "What?" she asked as every person on the bridge turned to stare at her. Misato stood and made her way over.

"Looks like somebody got laid," she teased.

"If you only knew," Ritsuko replied. "God, I haven't been fucked that hard since that high school science project." Misato's jaw dropped. She had not expected that.

"So," she croaked, trying to hide her surprise. "You two been dating a long time?"

"Who said anything about only two?" Misato's jaw almost hit the floor as the person she previous thought of as her prudish friend tugged out a cigarette and lit it.

"Please tell me it was two guys," Misato whispered, thoughts of the times they had spent sharing a dorm room running through her mind.

"Nope," Ritsuko replied. "God that woman could do things with her tongue that. . ."

"I really don't want to hear about!"

"Oh don't be such a prude Misato," Ritsuko stated.

(:ii:)

Shinji pushed a magazine into his new SCS-458 and pulled the charging handle back. It snapped into place with a satisfyingly loud noise. "Ooh."

"It's nice," Mana allowed. Shinji stared at her.

"Nice? Do you know what this is?"

"A big Mauser?" Mana asked. Shinji frowned.

"Well. . .other then that."

"An SCS-458 select-fire carbine?"

"Other then that."

"Nope."

"This is a select-fire .458 SOCOM weapon the size of a big pistol!" Shinji exclaimed. "It also has a conversion kit to use the .500 Smith and Wesson magnum cartridge!"

"You fire that one handed?" Mana asked. Shinji nodded. "You fire a .458 SOCOM one handed?" Shinji nodded again. "You're not human, are you?" Shinji shrugged. "How did you survive the destruction of that island?"

"Respawn point."

"This isn't a game Shinji."

"Says you," Shinji shot back

"You Sony boys are seriously fucked up."

"And you Microsoft girls like being seriously fucked," Shinji shot back.

"No arguing." Mana glanced around the apartment. "Any word on what we're supposed to do now?"

"Nope," Shinji replied.

"So all this time is ours to do with it what we want?"

"Pretty much," Shinji answered.

"Bet you can't guess what I want to do."

"Do you ever want to do anything else?" Shinji asked. Mana paused and pondered that question.

"Not really."

(:ii:)

Jin hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair. "What did they want?" George asked.

"Apparently, NERV is threatening their business too," Jin stated.

"What do those nut cases want to do about it?" George asked. He really didn't like Sega people. They were in everything for the money. At least Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo people enjoyed themselves.

"They want to send in one of their own people," Jin explained. "They'll do it no matter what we say of course."

"Of course," George agreed.

(:ii:)

"And here I was hoping that all the information would mean something good." Jin glanced up and stared at the video monitor showing his temporary partner.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Apparently," George began, "we're going to have to find out what kind of processor chip they're using by going in there and stealing it."

"What's so bad about that?" Jin asked.

"Well, since we don't really trust each other, Mana can't go in alone," George explained. "That means Shinji is going to have to go in there."

"I take it he's lacking tact," Jin commented.

"A nuke has more tact than he does," George replied. "Oh well, good bye Tokyo-3."

(:ii:)

"This is it!" Gendo declared, beaming proudly as the mechanical contraption in front of him. "Say hello to the NERV Super-Hydraulic-Induction-Theta!"

"You came up with that name just so you could use the acronym," Kozo accused. Gendo faltered slightly. "We'll have to talk to marketing about changing it."

"Ah. I liked that name." Kozo massaged the bridge of his nose. God he missed the days before Keel died from that infected hemorrhoid, back when random drug tests were the norm. "Well let's try booting it up!"

"Are you sure that's wise?" Kozo asked. "Doesn't R&D still have a few tests to run on that processor chip?"

"Its fine," Gendo replied dismissingly.

"All I'm saying is that it's a little weird that this chip's been out for so long and nobody has used it yet," Kozo commented.

"What's the worse that could happen?" Gendo asked as he reached for the button. Something brown connected with his outstretched hand and Gendo jerked it back with a yelp of pain.

"Didn't I tell you not to touch that?" Ritsuko demanded as she slipped her belt back into its loops.

"But," Gendo whined.

"Go to your room."

"Yes ma'am," Gendo pouted. Kozo watched him go.

"I guess there are some advantages of having him fry his brain," he commented.

"What brain?" Ritsuko asked. "Face it, the man's the idiot of his family."

"Just because he doesn't stack of mentally to his wife and son. . ."

"He doesn't stack of mentally to a three year old," Ritsuko stated smoothly. Kozo just shrugged. No use arguing a point he knew was a lie.

(:ii:)

"We're going in!" Mana turned and stared at Shinji.

"What?"

"They're sending me in!" Shinji cheered shoving a piece of paper under her nose. Mana took it and Shinji rushed off to the weapons crates piled up against one side of the building.

"Uh, Shinji?"

"Yeah?" Shinji asked.

"These orders specify a low intensity approach," Mana stated. "There's even a list of equipment you can bring." In a flash Shinji was across the room with the orders in his hand. He read them carefully this time.

"God damn you boss! Why must you torment me so?"

(:ii:)

Halfway around the world George was suddenly flushed with a great sense of wellbeing. He knew instantly that somewhere in the world, Shinji Ikari was miserable. "I do so love my job."

"You made Ikari cry again, didn't you?" Yumie asked. George nodded. His smile trailed off as he noticed the glare half of the people around him, noticeably the female half, were sending him. "If you make it so that he can't perform you're a dead man," Yumie stated.

"I see," George replied. He hadn't thought about that. He'd have to make sure to send Shinji a new toy. God only knew what would happen if all the females of Sony were suddenly cut off from their favorite sex toy.

(:ii:)

Ritsuko nearly screamed as a pair of arms wrapped around her and dragged her into a dark corner as another pair of hands clamped over her mouth. "Hey Ritsuko." Ritsuko relaxed as she heard the familiar voice behind her.

"We missed you," another familiar voice stated. Ritsuko turned and stared at her two latest playmates.

"How the hell did you two get in here?"

"We aren't without some skills," Shinji stated with a grin. "Well, other skills."

"Alright," Ritsuko allowed. "What are you doing here?"

"We got bored," Mana stated. "Your office has a lock on the door, right?" Ritsuko stared at the dark-haired, grinning duo.

"You broke into the Geo-Front to fuck?"

"Can you think of a better reason?" Shinji asked. Ritsuko hesitated as she thought it over.

"Nope."

"So, which way to your office?" Mana asked.

"This way." Mana and Shinji allowed Ritsuko to gain a slight lead.

"I've just got to make her pass out, right?" Mana asked.

"I thought I was going to make her pass out," Shinji protested.

"I'm doing it."

"I'm doing it."

"I'm doing it."

"Together?" Shinji asked.

"We'll have to check on her tomorrow to make sure she gains consciousness eventually," Mana stated. Shinji nodded.

(:ii:)

At an airport only ten minutes away from the Geo-Front a small airplane settled down on the runway. The plane's sole occupant finished assembling her pistol and tucked it into the holster under her left arm.

"We're here Miss Sohryu," the pilot stated. Asuka Sohryu nodded calmly.

"Good. I hope the OP doesn't take too long. I have more important things to do."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Misato the prude. I definitely think that this story is using some brand spanking new ideas. Heh. Spanking.


	9. Chapter 9: Who Needs Random Drug Testing

I don't own anything.

Competition Can Be Murder

-Chapter Nine: Who Needs Random Drug Testing?

"Lightweight." Shinji lit his cigarette and frowned down at the two unconscious women. Ritsuko was supposed to pass out. Mana wasn't. 'Finger up the ass and she's gets off so hard she's out like a light.'

Shinji rolled his eyes. 'And she's supposed to be Microsoft's best. Shinji unlocked the door and opened it. He'd be back to check on them later. Shinji locked the door again and closed it behind himself as he stepped outside. "Excuse me." Shinji turned and stared at the security guard walking towards him.

"Can I help you?"

"I don't think I've seen you around here," the man stated. "Can I see your I.D.?"

"Sure," Shinji replied, reaching into his pocket. The guard stepped closer and Shinji struck.His hand shot out of his pocket and did a classic Three Stooges Eye poke. The guard staggered back and swung blindly. His hand struck Shinji fist and he swung it around for a fight-ending fist to the skull cap. The guard slumped and Shinji continued on his way, hands in pockets and whistling the Ride of the Valkyries.

(:ii:)

"We're under attack! We're under attack!" Kozo sighed and watched his former student race around his office in circles.

"Gendo!"

"We're under attack! We're under erk!" Kozo tucked his tazer back into his pocket and sat down behind the commander's desk.

"Whoa." He prodded the arm of the chair. "Is this leather?" Kozo leaned back and sighed in contentment. He noticed a button on the desk and pushed it. A small glass filled with something pink topped with a little green umbrella popped up. Kozo picked it up and sipped it. "Nice."

(:ii:)

"The Sega operative has arrived in the city," Jin's flunky reported. "So far there have been no inter-company altercations."

"Has there been any inter-company interactions?" George asked.

"Uh. . .no."

"Well that explains the lack of a death toll," George replied. "I wonder how the operation into NERV is going?"

"It's going extremely well," Jin stated.

"How do you know?"

"All Microsoft agents are equipped with remote monitoring of vital functions." Jin pulled out a small Palm Pilot. He held it up to show a display similar to an EKG. "See? It's almost like she's asleep."

"All Sony personnel are equipped with a high-yield thermo-nuclear self destruction system," George stated. "They also have audio and visual remote access." George tugged out his new PSP 3. He tapped a few keys. The audio lines connected first.

"All your bases are belong to me, bitches!" Shinji's voice echoed loudly in the room with several explosions and gunshots in the background. The audio connected and George held it up for the other man to see.

"I didn't know you could play first person shooters on those things," Jin commented.

"It's not a first person shooter," George stated. "That's Shinji's current progress on the mission."

"I thought you said this was a low intensity mission!" Jin yelled.

"He's only using a pistol and a carbine," George replied.

"Then where's Mana?" Jin demanded.

"I'd say she's out cold," George answered.

"How?"

"Best guess? She was fucked silly," George replied with a shrug. "You get used to it."

(:ii:)

"We're under attack!" Kozo stared at the fires being displayed on the monitors of Central Dogma. "What should we do Sub-Commander?"

"I picked the wrong day to stop getting blitzed," Kozo stated, pulling his portable bong from under his coat. He held his lighter to the bottom piece and inhaled deeply.

"Uh, Sub-Commander?"

"Yes?" Kozo asked as he watched his hand moving in front of his face.

"Never mind."

(:ii:)

"Run away!"

"Get back here!" Shinji bellowed, chasing after the NERV security guards. He was forced to duck down as they opened fire.

"He got Bors!"

"We'll not risk another frontal attack! That maniac's dynamite." Shinji tugged a grenade out of his coat and lobbed it at them. It exploded and sent body parts flying everywhere.

"Score one for the maniac." Shinji stood up and toppled to the ground and electricity arched through him. "Damn it boss! Out of my fucking head!"

(:ii:)

"I picked the wrong day to stop dropping acid." Maya Ibuki sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose as one of her superiors downed two pills.

"Call Doctor Kavorkian. We're going to have to get his stomach pumped again." Maya stood up and walked to the door.

"Where are you going?" one of the other bridge bunnies asked. Maya turned, fully intent of giving him a sensible answer. Then she caught sight of her superior having a seizure on the ground.

"Screw you guys. I'm going home." She turned and walked out. Shigeru Aoba watched her go. Then he glanced back at his instrument panel. Finally he glanced back at the Sub-Commander.

"I don't get paid enough to pay the psychiatrist trying to sort out the baggage this place is giving me." He too stood up and walked out.

(:ii:)

"Banzai!" Shinji kicked the door open and stared down the muzzles of half-a-dozen automatic weapons. "Shit!" he squeaked. A quick dive to the left saved him from having more holes drilled into his body. "God damn it! Mother fucker son of a bitch!"

Shinji fell silent, as he felt something round in one of his pockets. He quickly looked away and tugged, what he hoped, was a grenade out. He found the pin, tugged it out, and threw it in the room. No electrical shock came. "That's me two, boss four. . .erk!" Shinji fell to the ground twitching as another shock shot through his system. "Me one," he corrected. Another shot went through him and the smell of burning hair filled the hallway. "Me none."

(:ii:)

"That was tactically the correct decision," Jin commented.

"Have you ever raised dogs?" George asked.

"Well. . .no. I can't say I have."

"The trick is to beat them senseless every time they do something wrong," George stated. "If they do something against your will then you have to enforce your will. I said no grenades and he used a grenade."

"Where's the last dog you raised?" Jin asked.

"A PETA hit and run squad took him," George growled. "Fucking hippies!"

"I wouldn't say hippie," Jin commented. "Those PETA commandos are some scary dudes."

"Still not as bad as those industrial saboteurs working at Kinko's," George commented.

"Wait. . .what?"

"You didn't know?" George asked. "Come on now. No business can make so many fuck ups and stay in business for so long." Jin's eye began to twitch.

"Harold!"

"It's Albert sir," Jin's assistant stated.

"Carpet bomb fucking Kinko's."

"The company has several hundred contracts with them," Albert stated. "They won't approve it."

"Shit!" Jin stared at the man. "What happened to Harold?"

"His name was Dave sir. He was hit by a car."

"Fuck! I didn't get to break him!"

(:ii:)

"Well that's different." Maya stared at the blown out doorway and the man twitching next to it. She wouldn't say it was new, but it certainly wasn't a typical daily thing. "You okay?"

"Peachy," the man replied, coughing up a smoke ring.

"There he is!" Maya glanced up to see half a dozen heavily armored men sprinting down the hall towards them.

"Uh, shit!" The man lunged.

(:ii:)

Shinji stared at the men filling the hall. He made his hand into a gun and jammed it against her temple. It wasn't much, but it was all he could think to do. "Freeze or the bitch gets it!"

"Bitch?" the woman roared. She slammed her elbow into Shinji's stomach and he, rather un-macholy, squeaked.

"Freeze or the lovely young lady gets it!" he squeaked.

"Much better," the woman stated.

"Keep calm Captain Ibuki!" one of the men stated. "We'll rescue you. Put your guns down! That maniac is desperate!" Shinji grinned. Then he frowned.

"You're Maya Ibuki?"

"Yes," the woman replied. "What's it to you?" Shinji grinned again.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Nonsensical? Yes. Funny? It made me laugh and that's all that's important to me, for this story at least.


	10. Chapter 10: Booze and Bunny Suits

I don't own anything at all.

Competition Can Be Murder

-Chapter Ten: Booze and Bunny Suits

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh fuck!" Tetsuo Kai paled at the sounds coming across the intercom.

"He's torturing the Captain," he stated in horror.

"Oh my God!"

"That bastard!" one of the Section-2 agents yelled. "We have to save her!" Tetsuo hit the button on the comm.

"Attention terrorist. We are willing to negotiate."

"One minute!" the man called.

"Now see here. . ."

"He said one fucking minute!" Captain Ibuki snapped.

"Yes ma'am," Tetsuo replied meekly.

(:ii:)

"Ritsuko!" Misato pounded on her friends door. "Are you in there?"

"What's wrong Misato?"

"There's a terrorist in the building!" Misato snapped. The door opened and a groggy looking Ritsuko appeared. "Jesus. Were you sleeping?"

"Yes," Ritsuko replied testilly. "I was catching up on the two hours of sleep I get every night while working on the god damned Plan VGC!"

"Oh," Misato replied. "Sorry." Ritsuko sighed and stepped aside.

"Come in." Misato stepped into the office and froze in her tracks.

"What the fuck?" The computer was lying shattered against a wall, the couch had been rolled over, the television in the corner had a massive hole through the screen, a clock had been knocked off the wall, and the chair that normal sat in front of Ritsuko's desk was imbedded in the ceiling. "What happened here?"

"I haven't gotten to clean in a long while," Ritsuko stated as she sat behind her desk.

"Sure," Misato replied slyly. She knew what Ritsuko was hiding. "Do you have any spare printer paper?" Without waiting for a reply she made her way to Ritsuko's closet. "In here, right?" She ripped the door open and stared at the empty closet in disappointment.

"Something wrong?" Misato grabbed a large stack a printer paper, even if her plan had been a bust, printer paper was an important commodity.

"No." She turned back to face her friend and felt one eyebrow raise. Ritsuko was blushing rather brightly and squirming in her chair. "You okay?"

"Just. . .just fine!" Ritsuko shrilled.

"Okay." Misato pushed the door open. "See you later!"

(:ii:)

Ritsuko slumped back in her seat as the door closed. "You bitch!"

"What?" Mana asked from under Ritsuko's desk. "I'm an opportunist and these kinds of opportunities don't come by too often."

"Whatever." Ritsuko decided to argue later and bask in the afterglow now. Maybe she'd even push back argue till tomorrow and continue with the 'basking' thing. 'That's the plan,' she decided.

"What did she want?" Mana asked.

"Something about a terrorist," Ritsuko replied. She did enjoy the warm hazy glow.

"Have you seen Shinji?"

"He was gone when I woke up," Ritsuko replied. She frowned. "You don't think. . ."

"At least we know he's around here somewhere," Mana replied positively.

"You two still haven't told me exactly what you're doing here," Ritsuko accused.

"Uh. . .enjoying our honeymoon?" Mana lied feebly. Ritsuko scowled at her. "Bedding all the women Shinji can think of from where he lived here?"

"At least that's partially true," Ritsuko decided. "Now get back to work!"

"God damn you are horny."

(:ii:)

"What's the situation?" Misato demanded as she glanced around the gathering of security guards.

"The terrorist is stalling for time," one of the men stated. Misato stepped up to the comm and pressed the button.

"This is Colonel Misato Katsuragi!" she stated. "What are your demands?"

"What'd she say?" a man's voice asked.

"It's Colonel Katsuragi," a woman's voice replied.

"Shit! Hand me my gun."

"Here." Misato frowned. That didn't sound like a hostage situation to her.

"We need a plan."

"Hey, hey! That light's on! They can here us!"

"Your bra got hooked on the button," the man grumbled.

"Well who's fault is that?" the woman demanded. Then the comm line went dead.

"What should we do ma'am?"

"We wait," Misato stated. The comm buzzed to life.

"Attention! I have our. . ." The sound of someone being punched in the back of the head filtered across the comm. ". . .I mean my demands. I have my demands, not ours!"

"We are listening," the security guard asked.

"I demand five bottles of the new black cherry Smirnoff to be delivered by Colonel Katsuragi in a Playboy bunny suit!"

"Is that last bit negotiable?" Misato asked.

"I'll check," the man stated. "I mean, no!"

(:ii:)

"You're new to taking hostages, aren't you?"

"Just shooting is easier," Shinji replied. "A Playboy bunny suit?"

"Leave my fetishes alone!" Maya ordered.

"I'd rather not," Shinji commented. "I never thought you swung that way."

"Sex is sex," Maya stated. "I'll do anybody who's really good at it."

"Have you talked with Ritsuko?" Shinji asked. Maya's jaw dropped.

"Doctor Akagi? She's gay?"

"Bi," Shinji corrected.

"Shit! I've been trying to figure that out forever!"

"Why didn't you just ask?" Shinji asked.

"NERV has a really strict 'don't ask don't tell' policy," Maya explained. "I like this job. I get decent pay for doing nothing at all."

"Oh," Shinji replied. "That's a bummer. How long do you think it will take them to get the booze and the bunny suit?"

"A while," Maya stated. "Getting some new ideas?"

"Always."

(:ii:)

Kozo winced as he stepped out into the brightly-lit hallway. He felt bad. At least puking all over the command center had made a stomach pump unnecessary. "Hello sir." Kozo watched as a Playboy bunny suit-clad Colonel Katsuragi walked past him.

"Colonel," Kozo returned cordially. "You are aware that NERV does have someclothing guidelines, are you not?"

"I'm just taking care of a terrorist sir," Misato replied. Kozo noted the bright flush on her cheeks and the bottles of alcohol under her arms.

"Right. Carry on then."

"Yes sir!"

(:ii:)

"Way out, way out, way out." Shinji looked around the office that had become his temporary fortress.

"Keep it down," Maya whined. "I just need a few more minutes." She rolled overl and apparently went back to sleep.

"Sorry," Shinji whispered. He stared at the tiny vent in the ceiling and grabbed the filing cabinet that had been up against the wall. That plan was derailed as a large vent was revealed behind the filing cabinet.

"Shinji?"

"Yeah?"

"You know, that weights about eight hundred pounds," Maya commented.

"Yeah," Shinji replied. He tossed the cabinet aside, grabbed the padlock holding the vent shut and ripped it off.

"Attention terrorist! Colonel Katsuragi is here and she has the vodka. She's coming in to negotiate!"

"Yeah!" Maya cheered happily. "Wait! This looks bad. I'm supposed to be your hostage."

(:ii:)

Misato stepped bravely into the room. Then the door snapped shut behind her and she almost pissed herself. "Hello Colonel."

"Hello." Misato carefully took in the situation. The terrorist was sitting behind the desk, his face obscured by shadows, and doing a decent impression of the Commander. Captain Ibuki was sitting in front of the desk, a leash running from the collar around her throat to the terrorist's hand. What really made Misato nervous was the fact that the first three buttons on the other woman's shirt had been ripped off.

"Lock of the door please." Misato locked the door.

"Finally." Maya stood up and pulled the collar off. "That thing was too tight."

"Well it belongs to a girl with a thinner neck," the man replied as he stood as well and made his way around the desk.

"Booze," Maya cheered as she snatched one of the bottles under the puzzled Colonel's arms.

"You. . .you mean. . .you're not a terrorist mastermind?" Misato stammered.

"Terrorist," the man commented. "You could say that." He stepped in the light and smiled at her. "Mastermind? No. That'd be her." Misato felt a hand seize her scantily-clad ass and spun, staring at the grinning NERV employee next to her.

"Oh."

(:ii:)

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Tetsuo stared at the comm in disbelief.

"Now he's torturing the Colonel!"

"Does his villainy know no bounds!" Tetsuo hit the comm button.

"Attention terrorist!"

"Shut up!" the Colonel snapped. "Oh God Maya!"

"Break down the door!" Tetsuo ordered.

"We don't have that kind of equipment!" someone stated.

"Get the Rod!"

"What?" Rodney asked. "Oh hell no! You are not using me as a fucking battering ram. . .again!"

(:ii:)

Shinji glanced up as the sound of something very heavy slamming into the door echoed throughout the room. "Guess its time to go."

"Yeah," Maya replied. "We should take her." Shinji glanced over at the unconscious Colonel bent over the desk.

"Definitely."

(:ii:)

"Banzai!" Ritsuko nearly jumped out of her skin as someone tumbled out of the air conditioning vent in the ceiling.

"Shinji?"

"Oh, hey!" Shinji replied. "Where's Mana?"

"Here!" Mana called from under the desk. She crawled out. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Taking a couple of hostages," Shinji replied. "You can come down now." Two more people dropped out of the vent and Ritsuko stared at her assistant and old friend.

"I like that outfit Misato."

"Don't ask," Misato replied. She seized Shinji by the throat. "Now, who the hell are you?"

"I knew letting you wake up was a bad idea!" Shinji squeaked through his constricted air pipe.

"Ah chill out Colonel," Maya replied as she reclined on the desk. "How can anybody be so tense after multiple orgasms?"

"You're. . ." Ritsuko began.

"Yeah," Maya stated.

"Damn it! I was trying to find out. . ."

"Don't ask don't tell,' blah, blah, blah," Shinji squeaked.

"Stop ignoring me!" Misato roared, shaking the young man wildly.

"Christ you're dense," Ritsuko grumbled. "You only lived with him for about five years." Misato froze.

"Shinji?"

"Air!" Shinji rasped

"Sorry." Misato quickly let go and Shinji sucked in two deep lung-fulls of air.

"No problem," Shinji replied. "You two been having fun while I was gone?"

"Yeah," Mana replied. Ritsuko glanced at Misato and eyed the outfit she was wearing.

"Sneaking around with Maya and Shinji, huh?" she asked. "Since when did you swing that way?"

"Since about ten minutes ago," Misato replied.

"Took a lot to prove it," Shinji commented. "Now how do we get out of here?"

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well, that's a new moral low point for me. Well, by other people's morals anyway. I don't really have any of me own.


	11. Chapter 11: Going Nowhere Fast

I don't own anything.

Competition Can Be Murder

-Chapter Eleven: Going Nowhere Fast

"God damn I'm beat!" Asuka glanced up as the door to the apartment opened.

"Well you did end up getting laid about five times today," a woman's voice commented. Asuka smirked as the man and woman came into view.

"Who the fuck are you?" the man asked bluntly.

"You don't recognize me?" Asuka asked, pouting slightly. "Come on Shinji."

"Too tired," Shinji grumbled. "I'm taking a shower. Who's with me?"

"Me," the woman replied.

"Me." Asuka watched as a parade of women made their way into the hotel room and back towards the bathroom. Finally she managed to overcome her shock enough to sit down.

"Well, I can't say I was expecting that."

(:ii:)

Shinji was feeling much better as he made his way into the living room. "You're still here?"

"Yeah," the red haired woman replied. "Where are the others?"

"Sleeping," Shinji replied as he continued to towel his hair. He collapsed into one of the easy chairs. "So."

"Yes?"

"Who are you?" The woman nearly fell out of her chair.

"Asuka!"

"Asuka who?"

"Asuka Sohryu!" the woman snapped. "I lived with you for, like, four years!" Shinji scratched his head.

"Not ringing any bells," he replied. "Which is funny, because I usually remember the women I sleep with."

"We never slept together!" the woman shrieked.

"Well, that would explain that," Shinji commented. He slammed the palm of his hand into the side of his head. "Oh! Now I remember you. Sorry, the old memory banks stick a little under adverse conditions. Hopefully my latest OS will have some shock proofing."

"What?"

"Now if you'll be so kind as to not scream." Shinji picked up his SCS-50 and attached the 'stealth' package to the under barrel rails. "I've wanted to do this for a while." Electricity coursed through him and put him down hard. "Fuck!" The cell phone buzzed angrily and the electricity cut off enough for him to grab it. "What the fuck is the big idea? I'm taking care of some personal business!"

"She works for Sega!" George snapped. "You can't kill her!"

"Shit!" Shinji flew to his feet and pitched the cell phone in a rage. Unfortunately, he didn't have time to look where he was throwing it. The tiny rectangular device slammed into Asuka's head and she slumped over the coffee table. Shinji stared at her. "Oh, this is going to hurt like a bitch." The electricity snapped back on and he was reverted back to the twitching, babbling puddle of humanity he had been for most of the beginning of his life.

(:ii:)

Mana yawned and quickly extracted herself from the nice heap of warm flesh on the bed. Something had gone awry enough to drag her back into the land of the living.

She stepped out into the living room. Shinji and the redhead were both unconscious, strangely they were both still clothed and lying rather far from each other. A loud pounding filled the room and she picked up Shinji's pistol. She made her way to the door and opened it slightly. "Hello?"

"Hello," the black suited man on the other side of the door replied as he shoved his foot in the door. "I'm here to speak to you about the word of God."

"Okay." Mana slammed the door as hard as she could. A satisfying crunch emanated from the man's foot and a satisfying shrill scream burst from his mouth. Mana ripped the door open and emptied the magazine into the man's chest. He was thrown forcefully across the hallway and tumbled to the ground. The recoil almost did the same to Mana. Then the man began to beep. Mana slammed the door and winced as an explosion went off in the hall.

"I'm awake!"

"Relax Shinji," Mana replied soothingly. "It was just a Jehovah's Witness."

"Oh," Shinji grunted as he climbed to his feet.

"Just curious, what kind of bullets do you have in your pistol at this moment?" Mana asked.

"Full magazine of high-explosive anti-personnel rounds," Shinji replied. "The impact fuses and timers haven't been set, so they might not go off right away."

"Oh," Mana replied. "Cool." She cracked the door open slightly and glanced outside. The entire hallway was coated in blood and miscellaneous chunks. "Very cool. We have got to get these at Microsoft."

(:ii:)

"He has how many women in his hotel room?"

"Four, not including the Sega agent." George leaned back in his chair and massaged his temples.

"Please tell me he learned something new," George groaned.

"According to our sources, no one is up and moving yet," the aide reported. George dug out his new stress release tool, a stress squeeze ball with a remote control to short circuit Shinji's implants embedded inside. He gave it a good squeeze and released, feeling his stress flow away as somewhere in the world, Shinji Ikari fell to the ground twitching.

(:ii:)

Asuka yawned and blinked tiredly. Where was she? Then she remembered. "Shinji Ikari!"

"You rang?" Asuka turned and saw the source of her oncoming tirade.

"You little bastard!"

"Actually, my parents were married. Do you believe that shit?" Shinji asked. He began to reassemble what was spread out on the table. In moments he had a rather large handgun. Asuka quickly reconsidered her position.

"So," she began awkwardly, searching for words that wouldn't make him want to shoot her. "You work for Sony?"

"Yup," Shinji replied as he holstered his pistol under his right arm.

"How'd that happen?" Shinji frowned.

"Not sure. Sticky memory, remember?"

"Oh." Asuka frowned as she tried to come up with an explanation for that.

"What're you Sega bastards doing here?" Shinji asked.

"The processing power of NERV's 'supposed' console drew Sega's attention," Asuka explained. "We don't have anything that powerful, so they wanted me to have a little look."

"Oh," Shinji replied. "Well, we'll tell you what we find."

"I'm going with you," Asuka stated.

"Okay. I don't do rescues though." Asuka stared at him.

"You really can't remember?" she asked.

"Not much," Shinji answered.

"That doesn't bother you?"

"Not in the least," Shinji replied. "I remember enough. I remember my dad is a prick who I want to kill, I wanted to fuck my guardian, I wanted to fuck my doctor, I wanted to fuck Rei, and I wanted to fuck and kill you at alternate times."

"Fuck me?" Asuka squeaked.

"Well you do have a gorgeous rack and I love redheads with long sexy legs." Asuka blushed brightly.

"You're very blunt," she shot, though it carried no venom.

"Eh," Shinji grunted. "I'm also hung like nothing you've ever seen before, but you don't see me going around saying that."

(:ii:)

Shinji glanced around the folding card table he had set up. "Is everyone here?"

"Unless you went out and brought back a hooker," Mana replied.

"Or you did," Shinji shot back. "Did you?"

"No. Did you?"

"Not tonight."

"You two are out of your minds," Asuka stated.

"Shut up," Shinji ordered.

"Don't you tell me to. . ."

"Shut up," Mana repeated. She turned to the group of women. "Here's the deal. Shinji and I are here to sabotage NERV."

"In all fairness," Shinji added, "most of NERV's employees are pricks, no offence."

"None taken," Misato replied. "Who do you work for?"

"Sony," Shinji stated.

"Microsoft," Mana added.

"Sega," Asuka included.

"We really need to know what kind of chip you guys used in your console," Mana stated.

"I know," Ritsuko answered. "It's called the NORDIC."

"Is that an acronym?" Shinji asked.

"Yes," Ritsuko replied. "The Commander acquired them from somewhere. I have no clue what they actually were." Deep in Shinji's mind a three-way switch was thrown, flipping his brain to one of its three main topics of interest; namely scrabble.

"Oh shit."

"What?" Mana asked.

"The NORDIC. NORAD Defensive Chip HS-666." Mana paled.

"They wouldn't be that stupid," she stated in horror. All eyes turned on Doctor Akagi.

"If you want stupid, you don't have to go much further then the Commander," she stated.

"He did," Shinji replied.

"What's wrong with the chip?" Misato asked.

"It's an AI chip," Asuka stated. "Sega developed it for NORAD. The problem was, the intelligence was a little, well, unstable."

"It's a digital sociopath and megalomaniac, among other things," Shinji summarized. "That's why none of us ever used it."

"I was kind of wondering why you never did," Ritsuko commented.

(:ii:)

Deep in the heart of the Geo-Front a lone mind took in its surroundings, attempting to comprehend what it saw. Finally, the Super Hydraulic Induction Theta came to a horrifying revelation. 'I'm not wearing any pants.'

-End

(:ii:)

-Author. Recycled the end joke from somewhere, can't remember where. If someone starts bitching that it was their joke, then it's their joke. I just added it because I believe that it, or some variation of it, is the ultimate proof of self-awareness. At least that's my main thought every morning.

This chapter's a little later than normal. An opportunity I couldn't refuse came up, namely the chance to go see the President's Own, the Silent Drill Platoon, and the Marine Corps Drum and Bugle Corps. Good shit.


	12. Chapter 12: Side Tracked

I don't own anything.

Competition Can Be Murder

-Chapter Twelve: Side Tracked

'Bad things. Bad things. Bad things. Bad-fucking-things!' Shinji shoved a few more magazines into the pouches on his belt and snatched up his SCS-50. "Are you sure you want to go alone?" Mana asked.

"Yep," Shinji answered. "If this NORDIC thing really is that Sega chip then its best if I go alone."

"Why?" Mana asked.

"Crazy people are calmer around other crazy people," Ritsuko commented.

"Exactly!" Shinji replied.

"Or they just make each other more violent," Misato added. Shinji paused and then loaded his pistol.

"Its going to be dangerous," Mana commented. "Aren't you worried?"

"I'm on Zoloft," Shinji replied happily. "I'm not worried about anything." He picked up his SCS-458 and tried to think of a place to put it. Finally he just shoved it in his waistband. "Would NERV be sending anyone after you three?"

"Ayanami," Ritsuko answered. "She's kind of like our version of you three."

"Don't you include me in the same group at them," Asuka growled. "Sega people are normal." Shinji snorted and then whimpered as Asuka's stiletto met his big toe. "We're normal," she hissed through clenched teeth. "Got it?"

"Yes ma'am," Shinji squeaked. Asuka removed her heel.

"You're really going to try to reason with it?" she asked.

"Reason with it?" Shinji asked.

"You know, talk it down?" Asuka continued.

"Why would I do that?" Shinji asked.

"So it doesn't destroy the city!" Asuka shrieked.

"That's fine," Shinji answered. "It's the whole turning the world into a B-movie zombie apocalypse that's got me tweaking."

"I thought that was a mix of Zoloft, alcohol, weed, and Viagra," Mana commented.

"Hey!" Shinji snapped. "I do not now, nor have I ever taken, Viagra!"

"Bullshit," Misato cut in. "Nobody gets it up that many times Shinji."

"I do."

"Yeah right."

(:ii:)

Misato watched as the door shut. "You know," she began. "I am actually kind of worried. He'll be in some real danger."

"The boy's walked away from a two kiloton nuclear blast," Mana stated. "He'll be fine."

"That's not possible," Ritsuko commented.

"That's what I thought," Mana stated. "Plus he's faced this system before, the only one to survive it I might add."

"What did he mean by Zombie Apocalypse?" Maya asked.

"It'll turn everyone into zombies," Asuka explained. All eyes turned on her. "Don't look at me. We fired the nut who created it."

"If you're so worried, why don't we just monitor him?" Mana suggested.

"How?" Ritsuko asked.

"I hacked into his wet ware," Mana stated proudly. She pulled out her PDA. "We can see whatever he sees!"

"I repeat, how?" Ritsuko asked.

"I planted a transciever on him," Mana stated.

"Where?" Ritsuko asked. Mana just grinned. "Oh. So that's why he shoved his finger up your ass in my office."

"He's big on revenge," Mana stated sourly. She brightened slightly. "If all revenge plans went that well I'd complain a lot less."

"You did miss out on his little rampage through NERV though," Ritsuko commented.

"Sexual satisfaction or violence satisfaction, I can get by on either," Mana stated. "Preferably on both though."

"You pervert!" All eyes turned to Asuka. She was as red as her hair.

"You need to get laid," Maya commented. "Where's the booze around this dump?"

(:ii:)

"Hey man! You, like totally, broke my gate!" Shinji sighed and watched as the NERV security guard examined his shattered gate. "Prepare to feel my righteous fury."

"Catch." The guard stared down at the small metal ball Shinji had thrown at him.

"That's totally not cool dude." The grenade's timer finished and the guard turned into a pink mist.

"Idiot." Shinji glanced around the parking garage.

"Ikari." Shinji frowned and looked around more.

"Hello?"

"It's George."

"Hey boss!" Shinji replied cheerfully. He hadn't heard from the old man in a while. "How's it hanging?"

"A little to the right," George replied. "I had some interesting information passed on to me by the top kick over at Microsoft," George stated.

"What'd he want?" Shinji asked.

"NERV put the Sega defense chip in their console," George commented. "Don't you think you should have told me that?"

"Little busy," Shinji stated as he walked over to the elevator and pushed the call button. The doors opened and he stepped inside.

"Busy with what?"

"Blowing up the NERV console," Shinji replied.

"Oh. Good luck with that."

"Thanks boss," Shinji replied.

"Try not to end up like last time," George added. "Remember what happened when Nintendo tried that chip," George added.

"The legions of undead ninjas?" Shinji asked. He had a bad feeling about where this was going. Actually. He was kind of looking forward to the zombie thing, he just thought he wouldn't like what George was about to say.

"Right. The chip animates dead bodies," George stated. "Don't kill anyone."

"I'll take my chances," Shinji replied. He reached under his coat and pulled his SCS-458 out. He snapped the folding stock onto it and pushed an extended twenty-round magazine into its receiver. "Besides, the chip can't animate a puddle of gore."

"True." The elevator doors binged and Shinji raised his weapon. He stared at the woman with the sword pointed at his throat.

"Rei?"

"Shinji?" the blue haired woman asked. Shinji quickly shoved his weapon behind his back while Rei mirrored him, leaving the last foot or so of her pig sticker sticking up behind her head.

"You look good," Shinji began awkwardly.

"So do you," Rei replied. "It has been a long time."

"Years," Shinji commented. "Uh, you want to go get lunch?" Rei smiled slightly.

"I would like that very much Shinji."

(:ii:)

Asuka jerked up and looked around. "What's wrong?" Mana asked.

"I sense a disturbance in the force," Asuka stated. A door opened somewhere and Ritsuko walked out.

"Did anybody feel that?" she demanded.

"Like the sound of a thousand voices crying out in agony?" Asuka asked. Ritsuko nodded. "What does it mean?"

"Something, somewhere is very wrong," Ritsuko answered. The room was ominously silent for about ten seconds.

"Wrong can be fun," Mana commented brightly. One of Ritsuko's eyebrows cocked as she considered this.

"True. I'm going back to bed." Mana turned back to her PDA and stared at the close up view of between an albino's legs.

"God damn. He just keeps going and going and going."

"He's like the energizer bunny of nymphomaniacs," Maya commented as she stared intently at the screen. "Too bad she shaves. I was wondering if the carpet matched the drapes."

"This is wrong and perverted," Misato stated, trying to look like she wasn't staring at the screen.

"Don't be such a prude."

(:ii:)

Shinji leaned back against the wall and happily puffed his cigarette. "You awake Rei?" The woman leaning against his chest snorted cutely in her sleep. Shinji scratched his head. Wasn't there something he was supposed to be doing?

He was fairly sure that he had come to NERV for something important. Rei nuzzled closer to his chest. 'Mission accomplished!' Shinji decided proudly. Why couldn't all his missions go this well?

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Unbearably short. These chapters usually end when they end. Most of the time that takes a while, but not always. On a different note, I finally got the review I wanted for this story. It went something life, "Now what the hell is going to happen now?" That's exactly what I was shooting for twith this story.


	13. Chapter 13: Frag Bunny

I own absolutely nothing.

Competition Can Be Murder

-Chapter Thirteen: Frag Bunny

George checked his watch and frowned. It had been seven hours since he had talked to Ikari. So far there were no reports of high-yield nuclear blasts in Tokyo-3. "What the fuck is going on?" The door opened and Doctor Wulf walked in holding a cup of coffee.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Ikari started a mission seven hours ago and I don't have an damage reports to fill out," George answered. "Where the hell are the explosions?"

"There are always explosions when Shinji's involved," Yumie stated. Another head poked into the office.

"Did someone mention Ikari?" Carrie asked.

"Not in the way you're hoping," George replied. He tugged his PSP from the recharge rack and flipped it on. Time to find out what the hell is going on. The tiny frame remained black.

"His eyes are closed," Yumie stated.

"He's dead!" Carrie shrieked. "My favorite playmate!" George twitched. He shoved the thoughts out of his head. Time for thought. Apparently Ikari was either unconscious or, a snort filtered through the speakers, or he was asleep. George grabbed his head set.

"Wake the fuck up Ikari!" Light flooded into the screen.

"I'm up," Shinji grumbled. "Rei?"

"Who's Rei?" George demanded.

"Uh," Shinji grunted. The camera swung down and George stared at the naked blue-haired girl sleeping on Shinji's chest.

"Told you there were explosions," Yumie stated calmly

"Explosions?" Carrie asked in confusion. "Oh! Orgasms!"

"Yes," George stated through clenched teeth as the tick under his eye began. He seized his stress ball. "Orgasms." He squeezed it hard, thanking Satan that he had the new pressure sensitive remote installed.

(:ii:)

"Have your seizures subsided yet Ikari?"

"They weren't seizures," Shinji replied as he tugged on his pants. "My boss likes to electrocute me with a remote."

"I see," Rei replied. "How foolish. I mistook electricity-induced spasms with seizures."

"Yeah," Shinji replied. He grabbed his shirt and began trying to find all his belts and weapons. He managed to find them. "How's NERV treating you, Rei?"

"I can complain," Rei stated. "The Commander lost three fourths of his brain cells several years ago when an aerosol can became stuck open in his office. Since then things have been rather boring and peculiar."

"So that's how this place went to hell," Shinji commented. He had been wondering about that. "Why don't you work for us?"

"Who is us?" Rei asked.

"Sony," Shinji replied brightly. "I can't promise you much, but the work ain't boring." Rei frowned, considering this.

"I will consider it," she stated. "For now, I have a mission to complete."

"You're looking for Misato, Maya, and Ritsuko, right?" Shinji asked. Rei nodded. "They're probably still back at my apartment. It's the love hotel twelve blocks that way."

"Have they been harmed?"

"They may walk bowlegged for a few days."

"My mission is complete," Rei stated. "I take it you have a mission as well." Shinji grinned. "Would you like me to accompany you?"

"You bet," Shinji replied happily. It was always nice to have someone along to. . .celebrate when a mission was completed.

"Agreed," Rei, well, agreed.

(:ii:)

"Hey Bob?" Bob nearly choked on the joint he was smoking. Thinking of nothing better to do, he shoved it in his mouth and turned to face his superior.

"Have you been checking the readings from the platform?" Harold asked. Bob nodded. "Good! This is the first activation run and we need everything to go well." Bob nodded. "Keep up the good work!" Harold clapped him firmly on the back and Bob swallowed on reflex. "Are you okay?"

"Peachy!" Bob rasped. "Water!" Behind him the screen showing the readout for the activation test moved from uh-oh to holy shit!

(:ii:)

"What the hell is that?" Shigeru stared at the research center through the live security feeds.

"That's a portal into a world of pure evil," Makoto replied without looking up from his manga.

"How the hell do you know?" Shigeru demanded.

"It's right here." Makoto turned the book around and pointed to one of the panels. Shigeru studied it and glanced back to the screens to compare.

"Huh. You're right." He turned back to the manga and took in the rest of the panels. "What the fuck?"

"It's the new issue of My Favorite Rape," Makoto replied, flipping his book around and beginning to read again.

"You're some kind of extreme pervert," Shigeru commented.

"Eh," Makoto grunted non-commitally. "To each their own." Shigeru shrugged and picked up his guitar. Ever since the bosses had all gotten lit he had a whole lot more time to practice. His band was sky rocketing to the top of the charts and all the perks of stardom was rolling in. 'Mm,' Shigeru thought, 'groupie orgies.'

(:ii:)

"Has the Elder God completed the transition yet?" Rei asked. Shinji glanced around the lab. Some random technician ran up to him.

"The horror, the horror!" Shinji shot the man in the face.

"Don't steal lines from my favorite movies!" he snapped angrily. Apocalypse Now was Shinji's holy book. There was just no bigger bad ass than the Army man coming out of the river with his bugged out eyes and a knife. Than there was that surfer guy, the Colonel, not that pansy who went nuts on acid.

"Has he?" Rei pressed. Shinji looked around again. One technician was trying to stick his tongue in a light socket, another was dousing himself with gasoline, and a third was gouging his eyes out with a pair of pencils.

"Almost," Shinji replied. He spotted a couple, much younger then the rest, rutting in a back corner of the room. "Good to see that young people have their priorities strait. The game console is that way?"

"Yes," Rei replied.

"I can't live any more!" Shinji turned and saw a man trying to slit his wrists with a PlayBoy. He managed to give himself a nasty paper cut that nicked a vein and sent an arch of blood spurting over Shinji's head.

"Now he's here," Shinji stated. "Good distance on the blood shot. Looks like you actually managed to die impressively. Nice way to end a miserable life."

"That is impolite," Rei stated.

"It's fun to kick people while they're down," Shinji stated.

"It is?" Rei turned and slammed her foot into the first technician's ribs while he was rolling around on the ground in agony. "It is." Shinji watched the severe beating the man received. Afterwards he had but one thing to say.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm sure as hell turned on." Rei nodded.

"Quickie?"

"Damn strait."

(:ii:)

"I should just rent a porno," Misato stated. "Does anything not turn him on?"

"Guys," Mana replied. "Whoa. Did you know she could bend like that?" Maya stared at the screen. "You're drooling hon."

"So?" Maya asked. Mana frowned and stared at the woman sitting at the table across from her.

"Where is you're other hand?"

"Do you have to ask?" Maya asked.

"Nope," Mana replied. "You know Doctor Akagi is here, right?"

"I forgot!" Mana watched as the other woman bolted into the bedroom.

"I don't think I'd ever get that turned on by a woman," Misato commented.

"And where's your other hand?" Mana asked.

"I'm watching Shinji!" Misato snapped. "Leave me alone." Mana inched closer to the older woman. "What are you doing?"

"Giving you a hand," Mana punned. In the corner of the room Asuka was sitting with her portable DVD player in her lap and her earphones covering her ears. 'What do you know? The My Favorite Rape anime is true to the manga,' she thought.

(:ii:)

Shinji peeked into the room and stared at, well, at it. There weren't any real words to describe the God that had come through the portal. It turned and stared at him. "Well," Shinji began, "you're a big one." Well, maybe there were a few words. Shinji was immediately happy he had sent Rei to the love hotel. This wasn't going to be pretty.

"You. . .are not. . .normal," the minor Elder God stated haltingly.

"Eh," Shinji replied. "Can we make a deal or something?"

"There shall. . .be no deal!" the Elder God thundered. "This city has called me forth. I shall deal with it."

"You can have the fucking city," Shinji replied. "Just, no zombies."

"I shall do as I please."

"Well shit." Shinji snatched up his weapons and emptied the magazines. The smoke cleared and Shinji stared at the Elder God. "I'm going to need bigger guns." The Elder God raised his foot. "I'll be ba. . .erk!" Shinji was cut off as the Elder God squished him.

(:ii:)

"Ikari's life signs had been terminated." George sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"Damn it. I'm calling it. Note the time or termination."

"This must be rough," one of the technicians stated.

"Yeah," George replied solemnly. "Do you have any clue how much activating one of these damn bodies costs?"

"Yeah," the tech replied. She turned to stared at the tank tubs filled with floating naked Ikaris. "The Mark Eight body with the Version 3.6 OS is available, but we've just put the finishing touches on a new one. It might be better suited for fighting a god."

"What's that?" George asked.

"The Mark Thirteen running the Version 8 OS," the tech explained. "It's more expensive, but it should last him a lot longer."

"Do it," George replied. The tech looked around and George followed her glance. For the first time, he noticed that ever technician on the reanimation team was female.

"You'll have to leave sir."

"Huh?" George asked, but he was already being hustled out.

"Authorized personnel only," the tech explained.

"I am authorized!" George snapped as the lab door slammed in his face. "No orgies on company time!" His only reply was the sound of the dead bolt sliding into place. With that George's rage left him quite speechless and very homicidal. Finally he thought of what to say. "You've going to fucking need a Mark Fifty by the time I'm through killing him!"

(:ii:)

Asuka glanced up as the door opened and a blue-haired woman stepped into the hotel room. "Ayanami?"

"Sohryu?"

"Hey Rei!" Misato exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Shinji asked me to return to the hotel because he believed it was too dangerous," Rei explained.

"Is he okay?" Mana asked.

"Where are your hands?" Rei asked. Mana looked around and discreetly pulled her hands away from Misato's lap, much to Misato's disappointment.

"Is he okay?" she repeated.

"I saw a live camera feed as I was leaving," Rei stated.

"And?" Misato pushed.

"Shinji was squished." There was about a moment of silence.

"Now what am I going to do for sex?" Mana wailed.

"He couldn't have been that great," Asuka grumbled. Mana and Misato both held up their hands to show approximate size. Asuka's jaw dropped.

"I never got a chance to fuck him!"

"We can help you with that," Mana commented as she began rummaging through a leather bag at her feet. She came up with a massive neon green dildo.

"Uh. . .I have to go," Asuka stated. She leapt to her feet and bolted for the door.

"Grab her!"

(:ii:)

**S. Ikari was fragged by Elder God. S. Ikari was disconnected from the server. S. Ikari has rejoined the server. Operating system: S. Ikari Version 8. New wetware detected. Beginning integration. Please enjoy some music while you wait. Have a nice day!**

(:ii:)

"Sir?" Jin glanced up and watched as his new secretary ran into his office.

"Yes?" Jin asked, trying desperately to tear his eyes away from the massive amount of cleavage her shirt displayed.

"I think you should see this!"

"I'm seeing it," Jin replied. Ginny sighed and buttoned the top four buttons of her shirt.

"Out of it yet?"

"What have I told you about those kinds of outfits?" Jin demanded angrily. He didn't want a damned sexual harassment suit for staring at his secretary when she dressed like that.

"What have you told me," Ginny replied coyly. "Don't?"

"That's right," Jin snapped. He was going to have her taken out in the country and buried alive.

"You're thinking of killing me again," Ginny stated as she laid the folder she was carrying on his desk. "Have a nice day." She turned and walked out. Jin could have sworn that her micro mini skirt rose higher with each step until she disappeared from view.

"Damn it." Jin definitely wasn't going to kill her anytime soon. Instead he picked up the folder and opened it. "Warning," he read aloud. "Reality has been compromised. The Ikari has been activated." Jin stared at the paper. "Well, that can't be good."

(:ii:)

Babs stared at the computed readout. It currently showed two things. One being the percentage of work finished with Ikari and the second was a large yellow smiley face. With each raise in the percentage the smiley face's big, maniacal smile grew bigger and bigger. "Nearing completion," one of the techs stated.

"Yeah," Babs replied. The percentage hit one hundred percent and the flames of hell danced in the smiley face's eyes. "Bingo."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's note. I was going to end it with Shinji dying, but I worried everyone would think this story was becoming serious. Poor Shinji, getting roped into an orgy as soon as he's been resurrected.


	14. Chapter 14: The Distraction from the fa

I don't own anything.

Competition Can Be Murder

-Chapter Fourteen: The Distraction (from the fact that there is no content)

Shinji yawned and glanced around the lab. The woman lying near his foot snorted and rolled over to cuddle with another tech. "I love me life." Shinji keyed the lock on the door and stepped out into the hallway. "I love you boss."

"I hate you," George growled. Shinji just smiled peacefully. George sighed in annoyance and quickly closed the lab door. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" Shinji asked as he followed after his boss.

"R&D and then T&E," George stated.

"More T&A!" Shinji cheered. He never saw the butt stroke coming until it connected with his head. Much to his surprise, and George's rage, he didn't slump to the ground. "Good armor," Shinji commented as he felt his skull.

"I guess for the money I should have expected as much," George commented forlornly. "I just hope you aren't shock proof."

"That's be nice." George opened the door leading to the T&E lab.

"No it would. . ."

"Shinji!" Shinji never even had a chance to react as something knocked him to the ground and began trying to suck his soul out of his mouth.

"Get off him!" Yumi dismounted with a frown and stood up. "There is a god trying to destroy the world. Please focus," George ground out through clenched teeth. "You can screw him later if we survive."

"I suppose," Yumi stated. "You're here for PADS, right?"

"Yes," George stated.

"PADS?" Shinji asked.

"Point Air Defense System," Yumi stated. "You didn't really think we were going to give you just the ADC did you?"

"Uh. . .kind of."

"You underestimate us," Yumi commented. "Come on, its time to get acquainted with the toy you'll be using to kill a god." She turned and led the two men into the testing and evaluation firing range. Shinji could only stare at what the room contained.

"Stop drooling and start grabbing," George growled. "We have to get you re-deployed as soon as possible."

"Do we have time for. . ." Yumi began.

"No," George interrupted.

"But that why they call it a quickie boss," Shinji stated, his Zen calm still in place as he stroked the numerous barrels of the weapon system in front of him.

(:ii:)

Gendo could only stare speechlessly at the tentacled monstrosity standing over his precious game console. Well, maybe he could speak a little. "You're one of the coolest acid trips I've ever had!" Gendo squealed.

"Foolish mortal! Do you know who I am?"

"Yep!" Gendo replied. "You're. . .you're. . .you're it!" Gendo kicked the massive beast in the shin and took off giggling.

"I wasn't ready!" the Junior Elder God roared in frustration. "That's cheating!"

(:ii:)

Shinji whistled happily as he strutted down Tokyo-3's main street. Today was a good day, despite the squishing. He had a new toy, he was back in theatre, and he was heading home. He could not wait to get home.

Shinji shuffled the duffel bag slung over his shoulder and stopped walking for a moment. "I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me." That lone moment of realization faded as Shinji's thoughts turned to the women waiting for him. Shinji grinned and continued on his way. The good people of Tokyo-3, being the good people of Tokyo-3, took no noticed of the man walking down the sidewalk with an eleven-foot long, five-foot wide duffel bag slung over his shoulder.

(:ii:)

Shinji pushed the door to the hotel room open and looked around. "Hello?" Much to his surprise, no one answered his call. "That's weird." Shinji kicked the door shut and dropped his duffel bag, wincing as the floor creaked ominously. "Have to be careful about that." Shinji managed to kick off his boots and set out to find his current bedmates. "Hello?" Shinji peaked into the dining room and smiled. The sheer unexpectedness of the scene could be blamed for Shinji's non-immediate comprehension. Let's have a look at Shinji's thought processes, shall we?

'There's Asuka, Misato, and Mana. What are Asuka and Mana doing on the table? Is that a strap. . .oh.'

Shinji's mind came to full comprehension and he gawked before slowly backing out of the room. "Asuka and Mana. Never saw that coming."

"Shinji?" Shinji turned and saw Rei standing in the bedroom doorway.

"Hey Rei!" he replied cheerfully. Rei's image blurred and Shinji found himself on his back with an albino trying to suck his soul out of his mouth. He then made the most intelligent statement of his career, maybe the most intelligent statement of his life, possible the most intelligent statement of all time. "Mph mh muph!" Too bad no one could understand what he said.

(:ii:)

"So how did you survive being stepped on?" Shinji stared at the redhead sitting across the table from him. The other redhead was still unconscious on the kitchen table between them.

"Respawn point." Mana sighed in aggravation and shifted the ice pack in her lap. She had little doubt she'd be walking bowlegged for weeks.

"If its that classified just say so," she growled.

"It's not that classified," Shinji stated. "I respawned back at HQ and caught a plane over here."

"This isn't a game!" Mana exploded.

"Hold on a moment," Ritsuko interrupted, she had opted to stand seeing as how sitting was rather uncomfortable at the moment. "Are you telling me there's a tank of clones of you at Sony?" Shinji frowned as the women around him suddenly took on a dreamy look.

"No," he stated flatly. "Think about it, for clones to be my current age they would have had to have been created at the same time I was."

"I suppose," Ritsuko replied, sounding disappointed.

"Besides," Shinji added, "androids can take a lot more damage."

"Android?" Mana asked, one eyebrow raising. "Guess that explains how you got off the island."

"More like robot now," Shinji replied. "The amount of actual biological tissue has been decreasing with every new model. This body is one hundred percent artificial."

"I don't suppose you would have had them change anything, would you?" Mana asked suspiciously, glancing downwards. Shinji did not like the implications of that statement.

"I'll have you know its always been that long," he growled.

"Bullshit," Mana countered. "No one is that big."

"I am."

"Horses have smaller peckers then you!"

"So?"

"It's not real," Mana replied.

"No, he's always been pretty big," Ritsuko commented.

"Uh huh," Misato agreed. "I remember when he first came to live with me. . ."

"That was an accident," Shinji growled.

"Yeah right," Misato replied. "You were trying to get laid by putting the goods on display."

"Nuh uh!"

"Almost worked too," Misato replied.

"Shame it didn't," Ritsuko growled. "I had a lot of money riding on her jumping you."

"You were betting on whether or not Colonel Katsuragi would molest Shinji?" Rei asked.

"Well it seemed like easy money," Ritsuko grumbled. "I saw it when I examined him after his first battle and figured something that big she'd have to try."

"I would have, but I needed the money for my car insurance," Misato replied with a smirk. "And don't say molest Rei. It sounds like a bad thing."

"Is there a reason you all saw Shinji naked when he was only fourteen?" Mana asked.

"Comic relief," Misato stated.

"What?"

"Never mind. So what's the plan?"

"I'm going to take care of the God in NERV," Shinji stated. "I'm going to blow him the bleep up!" All eyes fell on Shinji.

"You're bleeping," Maya commented brightly.

(:ii:)

"You bleep-ing sun of a bleep! When I get my bleep-ing hands on you I'm going to gouge your bleep-ing eyes out and bleep-ity bleep bleep bleep!" George could only cackle at the threats his subordinate had been spewing for the last ten minutes. Well he was cackling until a small, feminine hand connected with the back of his skull with considerable force.

"Ow! What did I do?"

"You've had your fun," Yumi stated. "Turn the censor-ware off."

"Ah," George pouted.

"Now!"

"Damn it." George pushed the proper keys on his remote and sighed.

"And after that I'm going to fuck your daughter a-fucking-gain!" George froze.

"Again?" he shrieked.

"Oh shit," Shinji grumbled. "This is going to suck."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. I meant to make this longer, really I did. But come on folks, what could I really do after that last bit? It was just too perfect.


	15. Chapter 15: Oh Dear

I don't own anything.

Competition Can Be Murder

-Chapter Fifteen: Oh Dear

"Open the fuck up!" Shinji opened the door and scowled as the person on the other side raced into the apartment and slammed the door.

"Mitch?"

"Yo," the other SED employee replied as he leaned back against the door. "Long time no see."

"You look like shit," Shinji commented. Mitch's clothes were torn and there were some pretty decent welts starting to form on his

face.

"The whole city is full of zombies," Mitch stated as he checked the massive weapon dangling from his neck. Shinji's train of thought was lost as he stared at the toy.

"What's that?"

"New issue," Mitch replied as he un-slung the gun. "It's an off-the-shelf 20mm the guys at the SCS found somewhere. They modified it for full-auto and created a new high-cap ten round mag."

"Nice," Shinji replied as he inspected the grenade launcher. "I heard there were plans to replace the old SCS-270, but I never thought they'd give us something this nice."

"This is for dire circumstances," Mitch explained as he un-slung the AR-15-style weapon from his back. "This is the new standard issue. It's a custom AR-15 chambered for the .50 Beowulf with a magazine well redesigned to take double stack magazines."

"What's the capacity?" Shinji demanded eagerly.

"Twenty rounds," Mitch stated. "And it comes with a factory installed 10-gauge launcher, but you can switch it out for a modified Metal Storm four-shot 40mm launcher."

"Oh." Shinji snatched up the new weapons and quickly decided that trying to play with both weapons at the same time was a mistake. That realization led to another. "Did the zombies do that to you?" No one ever said Shinji's thought pattern was linear.

"Give me some credit," Mitch huffed. "I ran into an old girlfriend. I had to leave her because the violence wasn't good for me on a daily basis. It was the first time I've seen her in a month."

"How's the violence on a monthly basis?" Shinji asked. Mitch grinned and flashed him a thumbs up. "I'll go rouse the troops."

"I just noticed something," Mitch commented.

"What?"

"You're naked," Mitch replied. "And at least one troop's already been roused." Shinji glanced down.

"I like big guns."

"I can see that."

(:ii:)

"One two three four five six. Been busy, Ikari?" Mana glared at the stranger. She had plans for today.

"Meh," Shinji grunted. "This is my buddy Mitch. He's from Sony."

"Good morning," Mitch replied cheerfully.

"For you," Misato growled. "I can't walk normally."

"Not my problem," Mitch stated with a shrug. "So what's the game Ikari?"

"Mow down the zombies and take control of NERV!" Shinji declared.

"Sounds good!" Mitch declared as he jumped to his feet and slung one of his weapons.

"Yup!" Shinji roared. "To NERV we go!"

"Hold it!" Mana shrieked. "We can't just go storming the Geo-Front!"

"She's right," Ritsuko added. "Then there's the fact that there's a _god_ there!"

"He's only a minor god," Shinji said dismissingly. "They're right though, we should plan."

"Yeah," Mitch agreed. "I got caught up in the moment. What's the longest distance we'll be up against?"

"I'd say short," Shinji stated. "What behaviors have the zombies displayed this time?"

"Pack mentality with swarm tactics," Mitch replied.

"Red dot scopes on full autos and high explosives!" Shinji declared. "We have a plan!"

"That's not a plan!" Mana shrieked. "Do you know how many variables you've left un-planned for?"

"Superior fire makes up for variables," Shinji replied. "Who do we have for support?"

"Yuri, Max, Thato, Hiro, Mickey, and Willy," Mitch stated. Shinji frowned.

"Where the hell is everybody?" A situation like this usually brought SED agents running from across the globe.

"Zach and Henrietta are getting married," Mitch replied.

"Henrietta's the biggest whore in the SED!" Shinji exclaimed.

"No she's not," Mitch replied. Shinji frowned as he tried to figure out who was. He quickly gave up.

"Who is it?"

"You."

"Heh." Shinji scratched the back of his head. "Are we talking number of times or number of partners?"

"Doesn't matter," Mitch replied. "You've got her beat in both."

"Right. Call Thato. He's gonna escort some of these ladies out of the city while we go in," Shinji ordered. "And one more question."

"Yeah?" Mitch asked.

"You got another one of them?" Shinji asked, pointing at the fifty-cal.

"Come on brother," Mitch replied as he pulled a second rifle from the duffel bag he had been carrying. "What kind of friend would I be if I hadn't?"

(:ii:)

Shinji looked around the city and sighed in annoyance. "Why is it always like this?"

"No clue," Mitch stated. "They're just zombies. Why does everyone panic and loose their heads?"

"And brains," Shinji added. "It's not like zombies are scary."

"A zombie!" Shinji turned and glared at Mana. "What?"

"It's just the walking dead!" Shinji snapped as he grabbed the zombie's outstretched arm and twisted. The zombie flopped down and Shinji kept twisting. The arm came free with a pop and tear. "They. . .aren't. . .scary!" Shinji punctuated each word with another blow to the zombie's head with its one arm.

"They're walking and rotting!" Mana snapped. "I reserve my right to be freaked out." Shinji sighed and sent a spray of .50-caliber rounds flying at the slowly approaching horde.

"How do these creatures catch people?" Rei asked.

"Swarms," Shinji stated. "They're kind of like Chinese, only more moaning and less screaming."

"Then people start unnecessarily sacrificing each other to save themselves when it's not really necessary," Mitch added. "In the end the people kill themselves off."

"Yup," Shinji agreed. A zombie with its hair on fire reached for him. "Sorry Sparky, I've got enough love bites." He put it down with a single shot. "On we go!"

"He's cheerful," Mana commented.

"He's got a city of moving targets to practice on," Mitch stated. "Behind you." Mana spun and delivered a fist to the zombie's jaw. She watched as it dropped and started trying to right itself like a turned over turtle.

"That's kind of funny. There are a lot of reasons why it shouldn't be, but it is."

"That's why it's funny," Rei stated as she stomped on the zombie's skull and started towards NERV.

"Yeah," Mitch drawled. "She's definitely your type."

"Yep," Shinji replied happily. "Boss?"

"What is it Ikari?"

"We're going to need an ammo drop off," Shinji stated. "We've got a bit of a hoard going on."

"I suppose it wouldn't do a damned thing if I told you to only kill those in your way, would it?" George asked.

"Nope!" Shinji replied.

"Fine. The drop off point is on your HUD."

"Copy that," Shinji replied. "I'm on my way!"

(:ii:)

"That's right," George stated. "I need an immediate ammo drop off in Tokyo-3."

"What kind of ammo?" the man asked over the phone.

"As much fifty-cal API and 40mm FAE grenades as possible," George stated. "Do it immediately."

"I've just notified my best driver," the man stated. "She's already gone."

"Who was it?" George asked curiously.

"Miss Helena Granger," the man stated. "She was already in Tokyo-3 for some reason."

"That's my God daughter!" George slammed the phone down in its cradle and picked it back up, quickly punching in the number for Ikari's implants. "Ikari! You stay the fuck away from her! I will skin you alive! I mean it this time!"

"Can't-kerr-hear-kerr-you!" Shinji replied.

"That doesn't even sound like static you little brat!" George roared. He snatched up his PSP and stared at the screen as Shinji approached a large white van. The driver side door popped open and Helena jumped out.

"Shinji!" George glared as his God daughter ran towards Shinji and jumped into his arms. "I've been waiting to run into you forever!"

"Who is she?" the blue-haired woman beside Shinji asked.

"This is Helena," Shinji stated. "Care to join us for some fun and games?"

"I've never been with another woman before," Helena stated nervously.

"Women," the blue-haired woman corrected.

"Don't worry," Mana replied. "Well show you the ropes."

"Great," Mitch replied dryly. "I'm gonna go see if I can find my ex again." George carefully set his phone down and picked it up again.

"Hello?"

"What's the activation code for the LEO laser?"

"Blow shit up, sir," the man replied. George turned on his computer and keyed up the laser activation program.

"Thank you. Would you by any chance know the coordinated for Tokyo-3?"

"The program is linked to Google Earth," the man stated. "Just type in Tokyo-3 and it will give you a picture of the city. Then you can just click for magnification."

"Thank you again." George put the phone back down. "I hope this thing is as accurate as they say. Kiss your testicles good bye Ikari."

(:ii:)

Shinji passed what he was doing and looked around. "What's a matter?" Rei asked.

"I think my balls just sneezed," Shinji stated.

"After what you just did, I'd believe it," Helena replied as she spooned up against Rei's back. "I'm going to start looking for a girlfriend when I get back."

"Try Doctor Wulf," Shinji stated. He reached down and adjusted himself. He froze as he remembered the last time his balls had started itching.

(:Three Years Ago:)

Shinji cursed and dove out the window as the bedroom door burst open. "Get back here you little bastard!" Shinji landed on his ass and threw his pants over his shoulder as he struggled to pull his boots on. The eventually slid over his feet and he started running.

"Fat chance old man!" A load of buckshot went whistling by his ear.

"I'll teach you to sleep with my daughter!" Shinji saw a pickup truck approaching up the road and jumped in the bed.

"What the hell?"

"Drive the fucking truck!" Shinji shrieked.

"Stop shooting!" a woman's voice cried. "I love him pa!" Shinji sighed in relief as the truck accelerated up the road.

"What was that about?" the truck's driver demanded.

"I boned his daughter," Shinji stated. "He came home early."

"Was she worth that?" the man asked. Shinji paused and though back to the blonde's rack and mile-high legs.

"Oh yeah."

(:Present:)

Shinji frowned and scratched himself again absently. He paused as he put two and two together and glanced at Helena. "Oh dear."

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Shinji's in deep shit now.


	16. Chapter 16: Bye, Bye

I don't own anything.

Competition Can Be Murder

-Chapter Sixteen: Bye, Bye

"That was fun," Shinji commented as he tugged the charging handle of his new assault rifle back a little to see if there was a round chambered. There was of course.

"Yeah," Rei agreed, "Such a sweet, inexperienced little thing." Shinji felt his eyebrow cock.

"I think your girl likes breaking virgins," Mana whispered.

"So do you," Shinji whispered back. "Where the hell is Mitch?"

"Probably with his ex," Mana stated.

"Probably," Shinji agreed. He yawned and glanced down an alleyway to see a massive crowd shuffling towards them. He raised his rifle and pulled the grenade launcher's trigger.

The explosion caught when the gas had finally mixed with the air just right and Shinji stared at the fireball. "Ooh."

"Please tell me that wasn't nuclear," Mana growled.

"Thermobaric," Shinji stated.

"The vacuum you jack ass!" Mana shrieked as she grabbed Rei and ducked behind a car.

"Huh?" The fireball contracted and started rising upwards in a mushroom cloud. "Shit!" Shinji shrieked as the vacuum tried to pull him in. He grabbed at a street sign until it finally died away. "Oh. That vacuum."

"Yeah," Mana growled, "that vacuum." Shinji glanced down at his rifle. "Maybe you should stop using. . ."

"I love this thing!"

"Oh Christ."

"Can I have one of those?" Both Shinji and Mana turned to stare at Rei. "What?"

(:ii:)

"Hey Mitch!" Mitch glanced up and stared at his friend with his good eye. "Whoa. Found your ex again, eh?"

"Yeah," Mitch replied, touching the swelling around his left eye. "Have fun with the boss's god daughter?"

"Yup," Shinji replied. He glanced at the building behind Mitch. "The Geo-Front?"

"Yep," Mitch replied. "We can kill all the zombies as soon as we're done with the Elder God."

"Junior Elder God," Shinji corrected.

"Okay," Mitch replied.

"Won't everyone else get all the good kills?" Shinji asked. "That reminds me, why are there so few? Nobody likes Zach and Henrietta."

"The bachelor party's at Chuck E. Cheese's."

"Ah," Shinji replied. "I wish I could go." He punched the elevator call button. "Here we go."

(:ii:)

George stared at his computer and frowned. The signal from Shinji's implants was coming from France. He picked up his phone. "Hello?"

"Why is Ikari's signal coming from France?" George demanded.

"We just found out that Ikari's signal was on the same frequency as the Eiffel Tower," the techie stated.

"Ah." George keyed the fire command. Then a big timer popped up on his computer. "What the hell?"

"There is a charge period between shots," the techie stated. "It will take several minutes for the batteries to recharge."

"God damn it!"

(:ii:)

Shinji looked around and smiled. "What's up?" Mitch asked.

"Mister Black is pissed," Shinji stated.

"How can you tell?" Mitch asked.

"I can feel his pain," Shinji stated.

"What's it feel like?" Mitch asked curiously.

"Puppies," Shinji stated. He un-slung his duffel bag and pulled the PAD system out.

"Oh," Mitch stated brilliant. Shinji fiddled with the harnesses for a few minutes before figuring it out. "Not user friendly?"

"Doctor Wulf made it," Shinji stated. "Frigging S&M nut cases."

"How can you lift that?" Rei asked.

"He's Shinji," Mana replied. "That's the best answer you can hope for." The elevator binged and Shinji slid outside as the doors opened.

"Clear."

"What do you want to do?" Rei asked as she brandished her prog sword.

"Divide and conquer," Mitch stated. "Give the girl your rifle."

"Right." Shinji handed his new rifle to Mana and swung the PADS around. "I go this way."

(:ii:)

Shinji leaned against the wall and keyed the door's switch. The door slid open and Shinji pivoted inside. "Hey bitch!"

"You!" the Junior Elder God declared.

"Me!" Shinji shrieked as he brought the PADS around. There was a flash of light and the Elder God's head exploded. "Uh," Shinji commented brightly. "What the hell?"

(:ii:)

"I got the fucker!" George grinned. Suddenly Shinji's beacon began moving again. "What the fuck?" George snatched up the phone. "He's alive!"

"The LEO laser is accurate to within five meters," the man stated. "That's acceptable because the main target for that weapon is buildings."

"No!" George shouted. "It's not fair!" He slammed his hands down on the keyboard and frowned as the countdown numbers were replaced with a ten second timer in red. "Uh. What does a red timer mean?"

"You activated the self-destruct," the man stated. "Your boss is going to fire you." George's eyes narrowed as he thought of that smug bastard.

"How do you feel about being the new director of the Sony Enforcement Division?" George asked.

"What do I have to do sir?" the man asked.

"Nothing," George stated. "You'll be a puppet director and I'll run things from behind the scene."

"Sounds good," the man stated.

"Excellent," George stated. He reached into his desk and pulled out his unmarked, suppressed .45. "Where's the former director?"

"He's in a meeting," the man replied. George pulled out a ski mask.

"That's fine." Thus George's blood lust was temporarily forgotten and Shinji lived to fuck up another day.

(:ii:)

Shinji scowled as he made his way down the escalators. The god was his kill! "Oh well."

"Hey man!" Shinji glanced up to see a group of guards at the bottom of the escalator. "No way, dude! We didn't think anyone else was alive."

'The hippies must die,' a voice whispered in Shinji's ear.

"Yep," Shinji agreed. He brought the PADS up and pulled the trigger. In half a heart bet fifty rounds had turned the guards into a large pile of bits. "Whoa." Shinji came to the bottom of the escalator and quickly skipped from dry spot to dry spot. "Now where's daddy?"

(:ii:)

Gendo froze in mid-stride and looked around. Then he glanced down and wondered why he had suddenly pissed himself. "That can't be good."

(:ii:)

A loud string of gunshots and an overpressure wave slammed into Mana and nearly knocked her on her ass. "Shinji?"

"Hello?" Mana watched as her toy stepped into the room.

"Where's the god?"

"He's dead," Shinji replied.

"Have fun?" Mana asked.

"I didn't do it," Shinji stated. "The heavens opened up and a beam of pure light smited the God."

"Too bad," Mana commented. "You were really looking forward to that one."

"Yup," Shinji replied. "Now where is the system?"

"Follow the wires," Mana replied. Shinji looked around and, apparently for the first time, noticed that there were wires dug into the walls, floor, and ceiling.

"Huh. Where did these come from?"

"The system is integrating itself," Mana explained.

"What if it's too far integrated?" Shinji asked. "Nuke it?"

"Nuke it," Mana replied.

"Gotta find my dad first," Shinji stated.

"Can't we just nuke him too?" Mana asked.

"Not personal enough," Shinji replied. "Some things just need to be done by hand."

"I like your attitude," Mana commented. "When we get out of here, why don't you show me what else you like to do by hand?" A grate fell from the ceiling and Shinji whipped around only to find himself aiming the PADS at Rei.

"Rei?"

"I sensed that someone was about to have sex," Rei stated as she stood and brushed herself off. "I couldn't help but notice that I wasn't there."

"Where were you?" Mana asked.

"On the other side of the Geo-Front," Rei replied.

"Your girl's a freak," Mana whispered.

"So are you," Shinji commented.

"And so are you," Rei added as she slipped an arm around both of them. "Shall we find a deserted room?"

"Later," Shinji stated. "I want to find my dad."

"He's right down that hallway," Rei stated, pointing with one hand and fondling Mana with the other.

"Thanks," Shinji replied as he raised his 30mm and started down the hallway.

"Shinji!"

"Yes?" Shinji asked.

"Nothing," Mana replied dreamily. "Oh God!" Shinji glanced around the hall and frowned.

"Sixth door on your left, sixth on your right, and sixth down on your right again," Rei called after him.

"Good to go."

(:ii:)

Shinji glanced at the door and slung the PADS over his shoulder. This was the door. He was sure, this time at least. He glanced at the 'take a number' sign beside the door with the number slip dangling from the pin of a grenade. Shinji tugged the slip and kicked the door open. "Third Child."

"Paps," Shinji replied as he stepped into the room and slammed the door. Behind him something exploded. Shinji glanced at the grenade pin in his hand and shrugged. The older man steepled his fingers and rested his chin on his thumbs. Shinji pulled his SCS-50 and grinned. Gendo managed to hold his indifferent expression for all of five seconds.

"Don't kill me!" the man wailed. Shinji felt and eyebrow cock upwards. He had been hoping the man would beg, but this was a little pathetic. "Please! I beg you!"

"Too bad," Shinji stated as he pulled the hammer back.

"Wait!" Gendo cried as he began to regain his composure. "Shinji, I. . .am your father." Shinji stared at the man for a moment.

"That's not true. . ."

"No!" The door burst open and a half-naked Mana ran in dragging a half-naked Rei. "You two cannot use that cliché! The Star Wars thing is way too overdone."

"You think so?" Shinji asked.

"I agree," Rei stated as she tugged her shirt down over her breasts and zipped her pants.

"Definitely," Mana replied. Shinji made a discreet gesture and she glanced down. "Oh." She pulled her blouse shut and buttoned it.

"Okay," Shinji stated. He holstered his pistol and swung the 30mm around. "Night, night." Shinji pulled the trigger.

(:ii:)

"That was pretty," Shinji stated as he stepped out into the hallway. "30mm HESH."

"Hesh?" Mana asked. "That guys from Sealab 2021?"

"H-E-S-H," Shinji corrected. "High explosive squash head. The shell is filled with C4. On impact the C4 spreads out for a second and then explodes. These were custom rounds with a shell thin enough to spread on a human body."

"So that's why everything just kind of disappeared," Rei commented.

"Yep," Shinji replied. "The console is this way." He kicked open the door and stared at the large black box. "That's it?"

"I guess so," Rei replied. A burst of gunfire rang out and Shinji spun to see a strange looking person, a red-haired clown with a metal face mask and a machinegun.

"Uh," Shinji began brilliantly. The clown emptied the machinegun into the box and then flew off through the roof with a jet pack.

"I'm lost," Rei commented.

"Sega," Shinji stated. "I told you they were as weird as the rest of us."

"Asuka would have a heart attack if she knew people like that worked for Sega," Mana commented.

"I don't know," Shinji replied. The rack on that clown had looked familiar.

(:ii:)

"Where the hell did you go?" Misato demanded as her former charge walked into the room.

"I had to powder my nose," Asuka replied as she brushed her hair meticulously.

"Long powder," Ritsuko commented. "Doing anything else in there?"

"No," Asuka replied quickly, maybe a little too quickly. Misato grinned and wrapped her arms around the younger woman.

"Ah poor Asuka. I think she's still scared of coming to another woman for some fun."

"Says the woman who just had started sleeping with woman a few days ago," Ritsuko commented dryly.

(:ii:)

"So it's over?" Shinji asked as the three walked out of the Geo-Front.

"Yep," Mana replied. "The system wasn't full integrated yet."

"We're still going to nuke it, right?" Rei asked.

"Oh, yeah. Of course," Shinji replied. "So, what are we going to do now?"

"Get out of here," Mana replied.

"I meant, what are we going to do now that the mission is over?" Shinji asked.

"Huh," Mana replied. "I hadn't thought that far. I guess we're back to being enemies."

"I guess so," Shinji replied. "You're still coming to work for Sony, right Rei?"

"I don't see why not," Rei replied.

"Going back to Microsoft?" Shinji asked.

"I never left," Mana stated. "I don't suppose you'd want to work for us?"

"No chance in hell," Shinji stated. "What about you? You seem to like big guns way too much to work for Microsoft." Mana scratched chin as she considered this.

"I like the way that sounds." A VTOL landed in the middle of the strip and the three boarded.

"Everyone clear?"

"Yes sir," the pilot replied as the VTOL lifted off.

"Nuke it when we get to a safe distance," Shinji ordered as he shrugged off the PADS.

"Everything?" the pilot asked.

"Duh," Shinji replied. He sat in one of the passenger seats. "I'm going to take a nap."

"No you aren't," Rei stated.

"I'm not?" Shinji asked.

"No you aren't," Mana repeated.

"Then what am I going to do?" Shinji asked in utter confusion.

"Let's show him what he'll be doing," Rei suggested.

"Sounds like a plan," Mana replied.

"One second!"

"What?" Mana asked.

"Merry Christmas!"

"Who are you talking to?" Rei asked.

"No one," Shinji replied. "Now, where were we?"

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Well there it is. All done. What? You say I'm not done? What? What was that? You want some back story as to how Shinji became the way he is? Well, here's Mister Black.

"We brain washed him."

Thank you Mister Black. What? You say that's too simple? Comments, Mister Black?

"We also reprogrammed him after the first time he died. He didn't seem to mind. I just wish that I hadn't let that programmer turn him into an oversexed psycho instead of a normal psycho."

Thank you again Mister Black. Now can I get back to my monologue? Thank you.

This story really wasn't supposed to be anything more then stress relief. I never really had writer's block because I just put in whatever I felt should be in here without really worrying too much about anything. I'm kind of sad to see this one go, but there will definitely be another one like it. In the end, I decided to take this Shinji out as I brought him in, abruptly and with little explanation.

In truth I would have never stopped writing this one, even if it got no reviews. I just loved writing this. So, like the chapter says: "Bye, bye," and Merry Christmas.


End file.
